. . . of the West Virginia McMurray's

Struck Dumb

2011-08-30T11:03:00.000-04:00

Ask my husband - I can "win" just about any argument by the shear speed of my words. He can't keep up. If I slowed down - he would win. I used that a lot as a teenager. A quick sharp tongue could lash the most undeserving and the deserving. Using that on anyone at any time has escaped me as an adult.
Maybe it was pregnancy that zapped my brain cells (although I was quite a bear during Cara's pregnancy). Maybe it is just having children around in general. Could be that my language has been watered down to "stinky" and "tushy"? I don't even say "hate" unless I want to get a look from Cara (that's just one of my things, doesn't have to be yours). I think there is another possibility. . . I am momentarily Struck Dumb.

Have you ever left a discussion and thought of one million comebacks that you could have said? Struck Dumb. How about finding no fault in a new friend but then all of the sudden seeing what is really there? Struck Dumb. Ever felt insulted but only in hindsight? Struck Dumb.

Being insatiably thirsty for information right now, I have set my sights on the Bible. Focusing in on women in the Bible, I have devoured 3 books. I hit a wall one day (well, end of the shelf) at the library in my search to continue learning. Scanning the shelves (side note - there is no way they should allow a Shannon Doherty book that close to literature about my Savior!) for a book to satisfy my general need for knowledge popped out. "100 Most Fascinating People in the Bible". Feeling the need to fill in the gaps felt while reading my last book, I checked it out. The book I read before this one made references to things that I did not remember. Obviously the author was assuming that I knew the Bible front to back. I don't, yet. So when you say things like "He was like Elijah" and leave it at that, I am lost.
In Alphabetical order - this book is hard to follow. It is really more of a reference book. The "J" section is incredibly long. From Jacob, to a bunch of Joseph's and John's of course you can't skip JESUS, I was working my way through them when I hit John the Baptist.
Elizabeth and Zechariah were "elderly" and childless when the angel Gabriel told Zechariah that they would have a son. He would be named John (known as John the Baptist) and would, among other wonderful things, ready the people for the coming of Jesus. (Luke 1:8-25). In verse 18, Zechariah questions the angel in what must have been more like true disbelief than pure confusion based on what happens in the next 2 verses. In verse 20 the angel says "And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time.” That is exactly what happened. He came out of the temple and could not speak.

Let's go back to my "100 People" book and the "J" section.

My book has different wording to describe what happened to Zechariah. On page 41 in the opening paragraph about John the Baptist it says ". . .his father doubted the angel's words and was STRUCK DUMB as a punishment". This made me laugh. The wording is hilarious to me, but very simple - "struck dumb". I am sure there are more interpretations of the words used to describe his condition but this one seemed so true as an explanation for my inability to connect my brain and mouth when I feel they should be raging!

To clarify, no I don't think God is punishing me by striking me dumb. I don't think there is any real relationship between my experience and Zechariah. I believe mine is more like training. God has used my choke collar a few good times and tightened so I could feel, over the years, Him leading me to hold back my speech.

There is a relationship between the wording. That is exactly how I feel after an incident that enrages me only after I have taken 4 steps away from it. Had that person needed my "guidance" at the time, He would have released my dumb-ness. Recently, there was no other explanation for my lack of wits and words except for being struck dumb. My children were being insulted and corrected by someone that I had just met. You can mess with me but you will not mess with my kids. If you love my kids and have been in their lives for a long time, you can feel free. But you do it out of love or the need for safety - not because you are spreading your "children should be little adults" rules all around and mine were in your path. Seriously I felt like (without ever having really experienced one) I had a seizure. I stuttered, my face froze, mouth wide open, I was in shock. When I finally got my words back I decided it was time to make an exit. I directed it at Cara and gave them the 5 minute warning to clean up.

WHY GOD?!?!? Why didn't you let me lay into this person!?!?!? I know there is a good reason! I have not sought another attempt to put myself in that situation again. I know that my brain is already way too full of sinful words and plans for me to control on my own. Some days I think it would just feel really good to have my power of explosive words back! Don't you ever have really bad days and you think "the next person to even look at me wrong is going to get it". Seemingly daring people with your eyes to even look at you the wrong way. I felt this way at Target a few weeks ago. No one even looked at me in that aisle. No eye contact. Wow, I thanked God for them, because they had no idea! Now, I thank God for the work he has done in me (still a work in progress) that allows people to view HIS love through me. It is genuine, cannot be faked, and not forced.

Following your next meeting, outing or family gathering that results in a tirade of killer words and thoughts only 5 minutes too late. . . grab your coffee, your stress ball, and consider yourself Struck Dumb. Its' a good thing.

Should You Handle The Truth?

2011-02-15T18:36:00.000-05:00

Maybe I watch too much TV. Maybe I need some fast acting anti-anxiety patch to apply, but there are definitely times when I get this feeling. A feeling that there is something out there, something big, that I don't know. Of course there is a lot out there that I don't know (don't tell Cara and Natalie though). I mean something like a major dose of dishonesty, a back stabbing moment from someone you trusted, or a major ground shaking revelation. Should we know? Could there be something out there that is just a smidge past the plain nose on our face that we don't see?

We all curse poor Eve every time her descendant Aunt Flo makes an appearance. Even more cursing begins when the oxytocin (or pitocin for those of us that need a nudge) starts flowing and the pain of bringing another life into the world hits us ladies. It is, in many minds, her fault that this world is not perfect and painless. She got the wrap but I guarantee if she had not done it, someone else would have. She was just the first contestant on "Don't Eat From That Tree". A lot is debated about this event: Was Adam there with her the whole time? Was it an Apple or a Fig? Where was that dang tree? Why did she do it? One thing we know - her wants over took her obedience. Who wouldn't want to know EVERYTHING!?!? Or are we better off not knowing?

Riding home from work in the car one day I was listening to Dr. Laura. She is known for her very conservative opinions and advice. What she said that day shocked me. She told someone NOT to tell their spouse about an affair. Her * (asterisk) on that comment was, if it was a one time thing, and not going to happen again and you did not get caught, don't tell. Telling would be to relieve the guilt of the offending partner and serve no purpose to the victimized spouse. So if you learned your lesson, kick some kitty litter over it, jump out of the litter box and keep going (<---my metaphor, not hers).
I started thinking... I would want to know! That would KILL me if there was someone else out there that knew, even if it was just the "other woman". I would die if others close to me knew. I should know something like this. Or did Dr. Laura have a point? Do we need to know EVERYTHING?

New Years Day 2003 I woke up in terrible pain. That aforementioned descendant of Eve had arrived and in different fashion. Carter I had been trying to get pregnant for a year to no avail. The days leading up to the new year I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms. One was definitely a sign for me because it had been one for my sister. On New Years Eve I took a pregnancy test... negative. I still did not drink that night with my dinner at Outback, planning to retest in the morning. The next morning I could barely stand. I called off our plans for dinner with my family. I called out of work the next day. I went to my regular doctor, they had no explanation. Life went on and I did not know what to think of it.
You see, I went through a "phase" early in 2003 where I cried every morning in the shower. Finally after going through this for a few weeks, I asked for help. I started taking Prozac and my irregular cycles became miraculously regular for 3 months. I thought prozac was a magical gynecological healer. Again, life went on and I did not know what to think of it. . . . . until after I had Cara.

A little over a year later on February 9, 2004 I finally got my two pink lines. First positive test I had ever seen. After she was born in October I suffered from what started as Baby Blues and turned into full on depression complete with "I'm not taking medicine I don't want to feel better" RED FLAG!!! One thing in my life was constant, my cycle, for 3 months, like clock work. 2/9/2004 was when I got my first two pink lines but it was not my first pregnancy.

Would it have been better for me to have confirmation on that one test I took that New Year's Eve? How would I have felt knowing what I had just lost? How freaking nuts would I have been not getting pregnant again until a year later?!?!? I can answer that one! I would have been a complete lunatic! Each month! For an entire YEAR! In between Cara and Natalie I did suffer two confirmed miscarriages. The 2nd one they offered testing to see if there was an explanation. The results were - no explanation. Then my OB looked at Carter and I and said "Do you want to know if it was a boy or a girl?" Before I could get out the sound the letter N makes, Carter said Yes and the Dr. answered with "It was a girl". Did I need to know that? Doesn't matter because I did know and there it was, information that hurt too badly to process.

I truly believe there is some information that we are spared for very good reasons. With technology, we are able to go out there and get a lot of it, are we meant to know? On Facebook, excessive sharing comes to mind. Did I need to know that person was at PetSmart?
In the Beth Moore book I read, she shared a story about a young lady that had finally ended an engagement that she felt was bad. She had suspicions that he had been seeing someone else or at least being inappropriate with another woman. So she used her knowledge and busted into his email. She found what she was looking for. Did that feel any better? To know specifically what was going on? She could have spared herself the self-worth damage and just trusted her instincts and her God that she did the right thing.

Would we really like to know what is said about us behind closed doors? Things possibly said in anger and frustrations. Things that they did not mean to say but it came out anyway? Untruths that could kill our self-esteem that are not intended to make us a better person? We know that we can be frustrated with someone and go from mad to over it in a matter of hours. Can we just accept that they got over it?

There has to be a balance between being a sitting duck and digging beyond the knowledge we were meant to have. It is a struggle for me when I get these feelings. I still want to know but I know that when it is time for me to know, I will. And the time will be right and I will be able to handle it. I'm not saying there is anything to know. At times there does seem to be a sixth sense but it is not always correct. I would feel like a fool if there was something going on right under my nose and I did not see it. Could I be spared of that foolish feeling if it was not something I absolutely had to know? Of course we CAN handle the truth, but should we?

Was That "Being Still" or Did I Pass Out?

2011-01-29T21:58:00.000-05:00

As Christmas approached we had a lot of job leads but no offers. Christmas morning at Granny's was almost sacked by snow for us folk with 2 mountains in between us and the destination. We made it just fine to this holiday tradition. It was the first Christmas that I can remember that was not at Granny's house. One thing we have learned in the last year or two is that it is not the location, it is the people. We all fit into Granny's high end apartment home just fine. Breakfast was just as it always was even with the major adjustments. This was our first Christmas without Grandaddy. The third without Dad. The kids took over every room in that 2 bedroom apartment playing with their gifts. They adjust much better than we do.

After around 2 weeks of Carter being unemployed I shut down. I was so afraid of doing something or saying something out of emotion and stress. It started showing on the outside. I was holding in all of those emotions with all of my might. My acid reflux got worse. I was using my inhaler for what I thought were asthma episodes. Turns out it was just tightness in my chest. More anxiety and panic than airway constriction.

At times my mind would seem to go blank. That started right before Thanksgiving. I was talking to my mom on the phone and could not get a certain word right. I was aware of what I wanted to say but my brain knew that was not what came out of my mouth. I brushed that off, until it happened again with my brother in law Kevin at Thanksgiving Dinner. I was standing in the garage and I was trying to explain to him that the small fridge was the one I had in "college". Did not feel right so I tried to say it again. Nope still not right. I got aggravated and a lot un-nerved and said "What did I just say? I know it was not right!" He said "I don't know but it sounded like something that started with a "P". Finally I described it as "the place you go to after high school". My brain broke free and then I finally said it. To say I felt crazy is an understatement but Kevin is familiar with that.

This would not be the last time it would happen. In fact it continues to happen but now I also blank and don't understand what people are saying. Whether it is something on TV or someone in front of me, or listening to myself talk, my brain freaks out at random times and stops connecting. I'm not sure how to combat this new and odd stress symptom. I think I am going to try and not freak out when it happens. Maybe if I relax it will unfreeze my brain faster. Ha! Laugh about it and follow with a big sigh. That has become a common expression in the last year for all of my family.

With Christmas gone, next was New Year's Day. A day in my mind that I did not want to face without an offer for Carter. I was quietly anticipating a worrisome week. Pushing back the thoughts of what we would do if there was no offer and the severance pay runs out. Can't go there unless it is absolutely needed.

No one was obviously at work on Sunday. There goes Monday, no one wants to work the day after they get back from the Christmas holiday, not even HR. Tuesday begins, I start trying to get the house in order, keeping myself busy. I sort laundry. After weeks of jumping every time I heard Carter's cell ring, I did not hear this one. What I heard was Carter coming up the stairs. He burst through our bedroom door with the phone on his ear, points at the phone and gives me a thumbs up with the biggest smile. OHL was making him an offer. A very nice offer, unbelievable. I don't mean that it was more salary than we were anticipating - it was the relocation that was hard to believe. They were making it possible for the girls to finish the school year here, and much more.

So for the 2nd time, we are moving to Nashville. Of course we did not go the first time, we ended up in Atlanta. Then ended up back here. From that experience in 2007/2008 I learned that you never know what is going to happen.

So much to think about and plan for. Mostly it has been a hurry up and wait game. I keep going back to the shut down mode. If I let go, I roll over a million scenarios that seem like a waste of time. Trying to let it out one at a time, at appropriate times is my new goal.

All praise to God for bringing us through this experience without a scratch. Carter and I spent time together, he spent time with the girls. They were more upset that he got a job because he could not eat lunch with them at school or after Pre-K. It was a great time living in that "hold" world. This part, because of our personalities, will be the marriage strain. I am not good at being apart from him. We differ in our opinions on everything when it comes to moving. Knowing that, more praise will be thrown to God if we survive this part without loss of major body parts/organs.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God"

I am pretty sure that I was "being still" in some sense of the meaning. It seemed there was no other choice. I stopped talking to God at length. Just mostly an every once in a while check in "hey! I'm still here patiently waiting for You to do Your thing". I feel more like a majority of the time I was playing dead or unconscious. Keeping it in perspective, that is an improvement for me. I want problems fixed yesterday and fixed correctly. Not so sure how much of it was peace and calm and how much was clenching and squeezing. It was done though, without my mouth ripping and tearing through this tough time.

Thank you for your prayers and support during this interesting chapter in our lives. Now I can go back in my hole for a few days - I finally finished this blog!

If You Should Like To Know...

2010-12-27T21:41:00.001-05:00

I've been quiet here. I really planned to have something to tell you by now. There is lots to tell but nothing in the way of a final decision. Nothing huge either, just lots of little stuff.

We don't even have anything to problem solve or sort through. Mainly because there is too much to think about. Seems more of a waste of time to think about ALL of the scenarios when we don't have any offers. I guess one day when we get bored that would be something to do. So far, I am not bored enough.

At this moment there are many irons in the fire. Each one in a different phase. A job in Brentwood, TN should be the first to make an offer. Carter has been through the whole process and there were quite a few remarks made that more than hinted that an offer would be made. Too bad it was around these holidays or the process could have moved faster. Speaking of that....

A little encouragement to others that finds themselves job seeking at this time of year - The last 3 job offers Carter has received have come at this time of year. Two in 2007 and one last year at this time. This is NOT a "bad time" of year to be looking for work. Companies are still recruiting so keep plugging. Other job seekers may be taking a break on submitting their resumes because they are busy now or they subscribe to the thinking that it is a "bad time". You could be getting a head start.

The position that is the next furthest along is in Lynchburg, VA. I attended college there for 2 semesters and when I left, I REALLY, REALLY made some remarks that would lead you to believe that I would never move there. This is where God decided to show his humor. He knows I will go where He leads. It could be worse. Carter has had 4 phone interviews and they have been tough. This company is notorious for taking their sweet time in selecting candidates. That is very noble - but we don't have time. We may have no choice. This is where God comes in - He can move mountains if he wants to.

Two more potential jobs are in the beginning stages. One phone call we just received today. An outside recruiter for a company in Roanoke, VA saw his resume and wants to submit it for consideration. The second job is with Macy's in Portland, TN (North of Nashville). To those of you that remember when we moved to Atlanta in 2008, we were initially moving to Portland, TN to work for Macy's. At the time Macy's relocation and medical benefits paled in comparison to Newell Rubbermaid (Atlanta) so we turned down the offer and moved to Georgia. Last week there was a front page article (featuring my neighbor Nic) announcing that Macy's will be building an enormous distribution center in Martinsburg, WV to be finished in 2012. In the conversation that Carter had with the Macy's HR contact, she asked if he would be willing to move to TN temporarily and then work in the Martinsburg facility when it was completed. That would be interesting. That is the only scenario that mind my keeps trying to work out. I get as far as saying "how would we do that?" Then I realize that is too much to think about unless it is necessary. I would also need A LOT more information to even begin to think of just 3 possibilities.

I am a planner, not necessarily by nature but by nurture. It feels better to plan and be in control. If you weigh everything and think it through enough then you can make a good decision. Or at least one that looks like a good decision.

And that is where we are. Agonizing more each day when we don't have an offer. Moderately distracted by the new possibilities that keep rolling in. I have to keep up the hope that if we have this many "bites" we will catch a fish eventually. This river is not stocked so I cannot even begin to guess what fish we will catch.

Usually I bring it all back to the title of my post at the end. The only way to explain this one is to tell the story I only remember half of. There was someone (a neighbor, family member or friend) my parents knew and one time they said "If you should like to know... I am sick". Apparently no one was asking but it was important to that person that everyone know. LOL

***Totally forgot to update about the interview Carter had in Ohio with Eddie Bauer. They put a freeze on hiring for that position. They could lift it but we are not holding our breath.

Breaking the news.

2010-11-17T21:08:00.000-05:00

If you read my last blog you know I discovered while typing that it may be a good idea to explain what is going on to the girls.
So when Natalie got home from Pre-K yesterday Carter sat her on his leg and started talking. He explained that he lost his job and that is why he is not going to work. He told her not to worry about anything but that is why he was here a lot right now. Preparing her for the fact that eventually he will go back to work and not be here like this was also a part of it. Then Natalie looked at him and said. . .

"I want to tell you something... Team Umizoomi is in my room. They are tiny super heroes."
To which I responded "Well can they help Daddy get a new job?"
Natalie says "Noooo (like that was a silly question) they only help kids. They help with shapes and Bot has a TV in his tummy"
And CUT! That's a wrap people. It went right over her head but at least she knows!

Cara's turn, Carter talked to her alone. I was just in the other room so I could hear. She was quiet and listened. When he asked if she had questions or if something was bothering her she told a story about how a boy at school said that he did not love her.
Enter stage left - lesson on what "love" is (the 6 year old version).
I tried to bring it back around and ask her how she feels about Daddy not working. She gives me a HUGE smile and said "I like it, he comes and eats lunch with me at school"
And fade to black. These children are going to be MORE upset that he has to go back to work!!!

Me too frankly. It has been nice having him here. We have only had 2 "disagreements" in these 2 weeks. This time, for me, is being used to prove to myself that we can handle this. We don't have to give in to the anxiety and other crazy emotions that are swirling. Keep those feelings "real", don't distort them into something they are not. That is hard but I am excited to face this challenge.

We are watching a lot more TV, going grocery shopping together and eating dinner at 5:00 PM. I am pretty sure this is what retirement is like!

And Sometimes You Do Nothing

2010-11-15T23:26:00.000-05:00

Last week felt like a month. At the end of the week we had 2 or 3 promising leads in the job department. Carter was refreshing his email and refreshing the job searches constantly. We have accomplished a lot as a family.

Natalie struggled at the beginning of the week (last week). I walked in to her Pre-K classroom to find her not in a chair. She was sitting on the floor and refused to leave. Her sweet teachers said "Natalie would not sit in the chair. She has not really been herself today". And with good reason. Regardless of the positive of having Daddy here more, regardless of us not fighting, she knew something was wrong. We did not talk to the girls about this. I don't know that they would really understand. They know Daddy is not going to work. Maybe we need to explain it to them, I don't know. There are sometimes when I think it's better not to worry them. But then again, they don't know what this means so would it worry them? I was not looking to have a revelation while typing so give me a minute on that one.

Today was relaxed and we spent most of the morning at Target. It kept our minds off of the fact that it was Monday and that we could get a phone call or an email. We did not get either. Carter's suit is ready and his resume printed for one of the calls we are waiting for. He had a positive phone interview and they asked for a face to face.
Today, I discovered that Natalie can now play games on the computer all on her own. She needs a smaller mouse though. That thing is huge in her tiny hand.
We have so far survived a stomach virus that could have spread from Cara to all of us. That child is amazing. She knew something was wrong on Wednesday night and kept telling us her stomach hurt. Her final plea to her Dad had him taking her to the bathroom. Nothing on the floor, straight where it is supposed to go. She is so grown up even when she is sick. It seemed to come to a screeching halt after the one episode but that night she woke me up several times. Thank goodness she had no school the next day. I made her stay home on Friday despite her pleas to go to school and proclaiming that she was all better.

Tonight, I am going to sleep. Praying that the sweet dreams that my Mom always wishes me when I talk to her at night will be there when I close my eyes.

Tomorrow, I will need patience and peace of mind. I need to concentrate on taking advantage of the time that we have together. It's so hard to stay calm when you are frustrated. I know that this is just the tip of the potential frustration. If tomorrow I have to do nothing and we hear nothing, I hope I do it well.

If You Just Don't Say It . . .

2010-11-09T13:45:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been in a rough patch with bad things all around and done your best not to say "Could it get worse?!" or "What's next?!"? Or maybe you said it and thought "Dang I just asked for it!". Well I am here to tell you that NOT saying it DOES NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!

After Dad's accident I never said that. We were hit from all sides almost everyday with new problems. We did not have time to say it. Mom found a great rehab place for him to go after Shock Trauma released him, 2 days after he was admitted there they called her and said "He is being released tomorrow". Ummm WHAT? Speechless. At that time he was impulsive (nice word for unprovoked anger and inappropriate reactions) and hallucinating. There was no way any of us could bring him home. For goodness sake they had him in a locked belt to keep him tied to the bed or wheelchair he was in. He could not go home by himself. Not one bit of communication happened between us and the staff there. This was the first time we had contact with his social worker. The blow by blow is agonizingly long (even though it was only 2 weeks on the calendar) so I won't do it all.

Honestly that is not even what this blog is about.

We hit walls everywhere we turned. As I mentioned in my previous blog, when we reached out in desperation we were overwhelmed with people helping us problem solve and find solutions. Phone conversations between my mom, my sisters and me were filled with a lot of exhaling, sighing and pauses when we just could not breathe.

Here is a mini lesson in this blog - don't be an ass (pardon my language) all of your life. You will need those people that you hurt the most. Be grateful, love correctly, give and it will be returned. If you are toxic - your family may just put you in a red hazmat bag an leave you on the corner. Good lord that would have been easier but that is not what the good Lord wants from us.

Let's go back and remember - We did not say "What else could go wrong?". It hit anyway. Superstitions about God and life do not work. So say it or don't say it - it has no bearing.

Dad's full recovery was obvious last week as the evaluations for PT, OT and ST resulted in an "all clear". He backed out of having 24 hour care and just has day time help. I'm sure he will be able to stop it all together soon.

On Friday everything was normal. Carter had spent a late night at work Thursday. I dropped the girls off at school and headed home to clean the kitchen floor (yes Nana was coming. hahaa). On my way back to the house, Carter calls me and tells me he is coming home. His job was letting him go, and I don't mean just for the day.

For the sake of anonymity we will call his now former place of work "Paper Clips". That is just in case I say something bad in the next few paragraphs. I would not want to obviously trash a place.

Immediately I called my mom. That pillar of strength named Sandra has been rescuing everyone in the family for quite a few years solid. I mean no breaks, no rest for the weary. Not that she does not also have her own issues that need rescuing! She needed to know what she was driving into but God knew when she planned to have a "Nana sleepover" earlier in the week, that we needed her.

I thought we had time to consider what we were doing. They gave him a choice between adhering to a 30-day Performance Plan or resigning and receiving a severance package. After a lot of sifting through conversation, when I sent him back for a 2 o'clock meeting, it was clear that there was nothing left there for him. No tears over that. Paper Clips had made promises and just a few months into employment it was clear that one set of people there wanted him, but the ones charged with using him did not. That was the theme of the last year "Carter is under-utilized". Carter clearly asked them at the meeting, if he met all of the criteria laid out in the plan, what would they do with him after. Clear answer "We don't know." Take the resignation. At least that gives us more time than sticking around a place where you honestly don't have a job.

So far, each day has been different. There is a focus on doing what is right now. A focus on everything - being open to all opportunities. I don't like being in limbo but there is this strange peace that I have. It leaves me at times but not for long. Carter is one of the most motivated people I know. He will not sit and let this hold him down. Again, he reached out and has gotten several phone calls and emails that bring back his confidence and his drive. We shall overcome! God has prepared me for not being in control. I am ready to stay still and listen. I may panic but that is not the overall theme of this journey. At times I can joke (Just like during the thick of things with Dad. My humor returned.) and at times I can smile. But all it takes to make me cry is a stranger smiling at me - for no reason. They may not know the reason but I do.

God is everywhere if you pay attention. He was at Chick Fil A this morning reminding me that I have taken my time of silence on this and now it is time to share. That man smiled at me and showed me that even though I have no idea what expression is on my face right now, there was a smile out there. Take the chance when you feel led to do something like that.

I am sharing with the possibility of seeming weak, but I want everyone to see God working here. We all have a testimony. What good does it do sharing our top of we can't share the bottom? You can look at me and know that if it ever happens to you - it is going to be just fine. I have to believe that there is something greater than me going through a sucky time happening here. I am human, I can't promise that I will always feel positive or hopeful. I will however, still be standing.

My new mantra is "Open Doors, Close Doors". Every time I start to think too much I say it. In my head of course. I don't want to look like a complete nut walking around talking to myself. HA!

To close - I am calling on my prayer warriors again. I need your support and for you to take my cares to God with me. You are being recruited because of the enormously great job you did with my Dad. Please know that I will always do the same for you. I am not a good "receiver", I am much better at giving. God is teaching me to lean, so here we go.... again.

Lean, Reach and Stretch But Don't "Jump".

2010-11-08T12:03:00.000-05:00

Those of you that know me well, know that talking is not something that is hard for me. In fact being quiet is a physically draining struggle. (Quit nodding your head now) God has been throwing a lot of lessons my way and here is one that sheds light on a way that I am quiet and I don't need to be.

My Dad's horrific car accident happened on October 16, 2010. As Cara was opening the presents at her 6th birthday party I got a hot tip from a friend there that something was amiss.

She was reading body language and actions. Noticing that a cell phone call that my mom answered sent my sisters actions shifting toward a quiet distraction. Angie was whispering to Kevin and Ginger walked back in with her hair pulled back. So I asked, thinking maybe that Dad had called mom and was being weird. To hear "Dad was in a car accident and is in Shock Trauma"... not what I was expecting at all. From that moment it was all a blur. I tried to keep up with the party, getting everyone their parting gifts and saying goodbye. I texted Carter (Isn't technology great? You don't even have to say it out loud for anyone to hear!) and then 2 other friends at the party who knew that something was wrong. On the ride home we ended up with Samuel, my friend Kelly had Cara's presents and Ginger had my jacket. It all got done because all of the pieces were working - not on all cylinders as individuals - but as one machine that could still operate despite minor flaws in the parts.

My Mom, Sisters and I have always been able to do this. And do it quietly. One of the parts may be taken out but the other 3 keep it going so that the 4th can just jump right back in like nothing happened.

Growing up, we were never loud about what was going on. We made it all look like it was working. There were only a few glaring flaws that were visible - but only to the eye that was watching closely. Watching closely and questioning. This is where we may have gone wrong but we are making it right.

No one wants to look like a fool, or weak or a failure. Well some people do but I don't understand them.

After my Dad's accident we went straight to our means of pleading for prayer - Facebook and church. When I ask for prayer on Facebook it is not merely a means of spreading news under the disguise of asking for prayer. I REALLY WANT IT! When I reply to someone and say I am praying for them I MEAN IT! I challenge you to do the same. Don't type "Praying for you" and then not do it. I have been guilty of that in the past but that is more than over!

As a family we prayed for a miracle, prayed for the craziness that Dad creates to be over, prayed for his healing in every aspect. You would think that severe of a head injury would knock some sense into someone or knock all sense completely out. We got neither (well so far, I still have faith that it is possible that there will come a day when he is healed of his mental building blocks). What we did get was a miraculous recovery for Dad that has him exactly back to where he was before the accident. Amazing. It has not even been a month yet. If you know anything about Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI), this is nuts. I have friends with experiences that prepared me for a long haul. Long haul of back and forth, progress and regress, relearning the basics. Yeah I got NONE of that! I almost feel robbed, but not really of course. What takes months/years my Dad did in 3 weeks. I am so thankful to God for that but mad at the unfairness of this life.

What I witnessed during that time was my miracle. I watched as people came out of the woodwork. People that are always at the surface of my life went into action. They stepped out and screamed their support. That support came in so many ways but the main ingredient was someone stepping out of their own life and reaching into mine to make a difference. Whether they had experience with TBI or had no idea but were open to listening, it all worked.

Anyone that says that Facebook is of the devil is obviously not using it correctly!!!!!!!!

I cannot even name all of the people that have helped my family in the last few weeks. Frankly I may not even know some of them at all. Each time we reached out we were overwhelmed with information and support. Countless responses from people who knew about this type of injury, what we were facing and where to go for services. You have to ask for help. There are people out there that have something to say! Don't be afraid that no one else has been through it and you will be alone. Life will easily show you where to put those that are not helpful. The only way to guarantee that you will be alone is to try and handle it by yourself. I learned this a little bit when I went through a miscarriage. No one in my immediate family had been through one. We were all at a loss. Once I opened up I found several shoulders to cry on that knew my pain first hand. Even now when I mention it I discover that people I have known for a while have been through it. It's like Breast Cancer, same thing. As soon as you mention that you will definitely understand that you are not alone. Everyone knows someone that has been through it or going through it. Not many people are going to lead into their conversation with those topics so when you need help, YOU have to say it first.

Life is hard but it does not have to be THAT hard. Lean, reach, or stretch. There is no need to "jump" but if you need to fall or sit for a minute, someone will be there. Do the same for others. Take time to observe and listen and pray. If you have something to offer, big or small, do it. Don't be afraid. It could save someone.

Books We Read This Summer (for your Winter enjoyment).

2010-11-02T13:46:00.000-04:00

This summer I went crazy with suggestions from seasoned Moms who know this area well. We did Open Gym, Pump It Up pop in play, free movies, Chick Fil A. These ladies know how to stay busy and have fun during the summer. They wore me out and I had to wake up early a lot! It was definitely worth it.

My favorite had to be the Library. Something about taking your kids there makes you feel like the best mom in the WORLD! I know I sounded smart when I told people that we had been there! (OK that is a little overboard) I have always read to the girls but was not a big reader for myself. I just don't make time for it.

This is a list of books that we checked out this summer. I always like suggestions from other parents because it is hard to just go in and randomly check out books and have them be a hit. I only hit a few duds. Hopefully this helps guide you and can be used as suggestions for Holiday gifts!

My girls were 3 and 5 when I checked these out. Then they turned 4 and 6 so I would say these are suggestions for

Ages 3-6:

Green - You MUST get this book

Yellow - I Definitely Recommend

Orange - I Recommend

Blue - It was OK

Sweet Books:

You Are Special

Max Lucado

The story of Eli (God) and his Wemmicks (us). Punchinello discovers that Eli does not make mistakes. He was made special to just be him. It deals with how others judge us and how we have the choice to let their words stick or to let them go. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!

You Are Mine

Max Lucado

Wemmicks again, this time they are trying to out do each other by having the most and the best. YOU MUST READ THIS TOO!

Claire and the Unicorn Happy Ever After

B. G. Hennessy

Sweet story about a girl that finds out that "happily ever after" is different for everyone.

Farfallina and Marcel

Holly Keller

Cara wanted a book about a butterfly and the librarian picked this one. It is sweet and talks about the changes as this duck and caterpillar grow up

The Salamander Room

Anne Mazer

I liked the illustrations in this book. It was also a pretty soothing before bedtime book (if you read it that way).

The Usborne Ballet Treasury

Susanna Davidson

HUGE book about ballet. We did not finish it. It is beautful and perfect for any little girl that is in dance or ballet. I think they have a smaller version of it now.

Piglet and Papa

Margaret Wild

Nice book about a piglet that accidentally hurts his Dad and goes on a search to find if he is still loved.

Bunny, My Honey

Anita Jeram

I think this is by the same lady that does the "Guess How Much I Love You" book. There is another one we checked out recently from her titled "All Together Now". These were Natalie's favorites. Perfect length for reading a few books at bedtime.

Leo the Late Bloomer

Robert Kraus

Haha I thought this would be good for Natalie but being smaller than everyone else does not really seem to bother her. It never bothered me either. Well except when I am in Walmart and I can't reach something. It's a cute book, especially if you have a kid that struggles with being behind in anything.

Funny or Cute:

Piggie Pie

Margie Palatini

My sister Angie told me I had to check this book out. It is one of my favorite books to read. At first the kids did not share my passion for it but after I read it the 2nd time they loved it. It is longer and more wordy than some books I have read but this one cracks me up!

Beauty and the Beaks

Mary Jane Auch

This was a little on the longer and wordy side too. But the illustrations are HILARIOUS! The story is very cute too. We all liked it.

Aunt CeeCee, Aunt Belle and Mama's Surprise

Mary Quattlebaum

Ehh it was wordy and long but not in a good way. It was not my favorite. The story did not flow for me. Maybe I should have used my Jersey accent with it....

Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late

Mo Willems

All of these Pigeon stories are great. They are low on words but high on humor and interaction.

Giant Meatball

Robert Weinstock

I like this book about a run away meatball but the girls did not quite share my feelings. It was good but not a fav here.

Alice the Fairy

David Shannon

LOVE LOVE LOVE the illustrations. This book reads just like the character, a little girl. It incorporates fairies and pretend play and my girls loved it.

Edward the Emu

Sheena Knowles

Great rhyming book. The moral of the story is that it is best to be yourself but it is a good story that the girls asked for several times while we had it.

For Learnin':

Girls Soccer

Lori Coleman

This was over my girls heads. They were too young for the specifics of soccer. I thought it was good to show them that girls do play. I will probably try it again this spring when Cara starts soccer again.

Reptiles

Belinda Weber

Most reference book I went for had so many big words - I could barely read them, let alone translate for the girls. They were also loooong. This book was just right. It had big words in it but they were defined at the bottom of the page. We read a few pages each night and made it through the book in about 3 bedtimes. You could read it all at once. We did that so we could get through 3 books before bedtime without falling asleep.

All About Frogs

Jim Arnosky

This was a good reference book for this age range also. They loved learning about different kinds of frogs. Cara was repeating facts from this book for weeks after reading it. The pictures are great too.

Ice Cream Cones For Sale

Elaine Greenstein

Cara LOVES Ice cream. I am pretty sure this is the same author as "Caps For Sale". It goes on to tell a historical tale of the ice cream come. We really liked it and it gave me a refresher course on pronouncing names from other countries!

For the Love of Soccer

Pele

Very good book. In the back it gives you a short biography of Pele. It is a good book to get kids excited about soccer.

Rabbit (Watch Me Grow)

DK Publishing

This was a decent reference book. Some of it was a little over their heads. The only reason I did not give it a yellow rating is because I don't remember it that well. It must not have been a hit. Natalie was in a rabbit phase and she did like it.

8 (or more) Things Your Students Parents Won't Tell You

2010-09-09T15:06:00.001-04:00

Sort of in response to 13 Things Your Child's Teacher Won't Tell You

In no way do I want to offend any of my teacher friends. I think that article was a bit offensive to parents. This is just for fun. I feel like the relationship between my girls teachers and I is a partnership. I am only just beginning in this area of life.
This article was poorly put together and put legitimate issues in with crap. But here are some things I think (and I am sure others think)...

#1 - I know you have 25+ kids in your care. But only one of them is mine, it's my job to concentrate on that one.

#2 - I send you notes and gifts because I want you to know I appreciate you and acknowledge your work. A thank you note would be nice but even if you just mention it later that let's me know you understand what I am doing.

#3 - Level-headed, intellectual conversation used to be a characteristic of mine. Now I have kids and I am a ball of mush, so don't assume I am a dork because I stumble in the 2 seconds I see you at the meeting.

#4 - I may have a job so the snow days and random holidays/days off cause turmoil for me, not fun.

#5 - If my kid burps, curses, jumps on chairs or cries uncontrollably when food is dropped on the floor. Don't assume I beat them at home or I lack manners. If you think this for more than 2 seconds, you (a) have no kids (b) have only one perfect kid or (c) I have no idea what is wrong with you. This may be the case with some kids but remember - this is from a "normal" mom.

#6 - I wish I could be there all day to make sure that they are nice to other kids and other kids are nice to them.

#7 - I know I should not be a freak and follow the bus to school but seriously how am I supposed to know he/she made it there?!?! I will do it until I feel better about it.

#8 - You can train me on how to be a parent in your class BUT BE CONSISTENT. Don't tell me I can do something one day and the next day act like I am breaking a rule. I pay attention. I too want to be "well-behaved".

Feel free to add your own.....

According to Him (with a capital H)

2010-05-17T15:05:00.000-04:00

If you have listened to top 40 music at any time recently you may have heard this song. She starts the song listing the negative things her current love interest tells her she is:
According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.
According to you
I’m difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.

She then moves on to list the positive things another man has told her she is:
But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.

When I listened to this song the first few times I was trying to get the lyrics down so I could sing it in the car properly. Then it started hitting me. . . change that lower case 'h' in the word "him" to an uppercase and she has it completely right. "Him", the guy who gets the uppercase H regardless of his position in the sentence is God.

As I said before, if you have been listening to those radio stations at all lately you have probably heard this song. If you have been within ear shot of me lately, you know that I have been reading a Beth Moore book "So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us". I picked this book up (OK really my sister Angie picked it up and then my Mom bought me one the moment I said I wanted to read it) after sitting in bed one night feeling like a complete failure.

On my bed, sitting up, in the dark, eyes closed, tears of exhaustion. I got smacked in the face with my problem. This was MY problem. I was expecting everything else in my life, if well orchestrated by me to be successful, to scream back to me "You are awesome!". My husband should be taking notes and following the rules that I set up so that his actions would look me in the face and exclaim "You are right. You are brilliant!" Somehow, no matter how hard I tried to make myself and others do everything the right way, it did not work. I like Dr. Phil's little saying "So how's that working for you?" Not good Dr. Phil, not good at all.

My husband did such a fantastic job of being my Knight in Shining Armor, my Prince on a White Horse for quite a few years. No person can keep that up. No man can do that for you. My husband was not meant to be my security.

When I listen to those lyrics now, the negative qualities, I don't just hear them coming from one man - or a woman- or several men - or even a tangible man at all. They come from everywhere. Sometimes they come from inside us. If they came from the outside, then we take them on and repeat them in our heads. The key is that the one that begins with a capital letter every time He is mentioned - is screaming those good lines at us all the time.

You are beautiful, incredible, everything He ever wanted. He can't get you out of His head. He wants us to make Him proud. Doing what He wants us to do. That is different for each of us. God wants you to come to him with every major and minor detail. He won't get annoyed. He made you with your soft heart and your mind that can't hold on where Massachusetts is on a map but you can sense a friends uneasy soul. He made you funny or caring or creative. You cry at every sappy movie. Maybe you were made with a quick mind and tongue. You have your role and you need to use it for Him to be proud of. Any other security will fail you. He's into you for everything you are "not" according to them.

Bless Her Heart

2010-03-31T13:47:00.000-04:00

I do this thing with my opinions on people and their actions, similar to using "Bless her/his heart" before an insult. In case you don't know this trick, if you add that statement, it makes it all better and not mean at all. Like "Bless her heart, her teeth are so jacked up". Half feeling sorry for her. Half busting on her. Mine is a bit longer than 3 words. Most of the time it is something like "I can't say what I would do, but I hope I would...".

As I age, I see a lot of danger in judgement, or opinions or what ever you call them. We all do it. I don't think my prefix/disclaimer to my opinion is a cop out. I REALLY believe it. I know what I would like to think I would do when faced with a situation. Most of the time I am taking mental notes. Using my time on this spectator side to remember how it looks and sounds from the outside while noting what works and what does not.

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho

When things are said like "That would never happen to my kid" or "My marriage is too strong for that to happen" those are your cues that the opposite is very likely to be true. Honestly I guess your chances are still about the same. My intention is to walk through trials with my head high and more people by my side because I don't look like a fool.

Let's take adultery for example. As much fun as I poke at Tiger Woods (Yes Tiger is still more fun than Jesse James even though he is the latest), I have no feeling about what his wife should do. I have never been through something like that. This is what I hope - if that life shattering event were to occur in my life, I want people around me that HAVE gone through it. How will I ever receive real counsel and really helpful stories if I push those people away by barking my ignorant opinion during their rough time? Even if I bark privately, it will be heard.

Addiction - this area is very specialized. These things get a hold of these wonderful people and turn them into something we don't recognize. Who am I to judge them as evil? What if it is your child? Does that speak to your parenting? Sometimes it may, but there are a lot of times it does not. We can come from perfect families with perfect intentions and still fall hard. Addiction Counselors will be there to help with the technical side of it. But no one can hold your hand better than another mom or wife that has had to search a room to keep them on the recovery track.

Raising children is another area that can be full of opinions. Seriously every kid is different. Why don't people understand that? If I had stopped at 1 child I would have considered myself the best parent ever! I am so glad that I have the reality that is #2. There are millions of battles out there and you have to choose your most important.

Battles I choose:
Saying negative words like "hate", "stupid" and "dumb".
Sleeping in their own bed consistently, not in mine.
Saying please and thank you
Car seat safety

Battles I do not choose:
Everyone eating the same thing for dinner
Limited Television viewing
Strict time lines on potty training
Accelerated Academic Performance

Now I know that there are reasons why parents don't choose the things I have. Everyone has their motivation. I especially understand the co-sleeping because frankly that would have been easier. I felt strongly about that bed being for just Carter and I so I stuck with it to make a routine out of sleeping in their own beds/cribs.
In the same manner I know why they choose the one I have NOT. Some children are very effected by television. Some moms do not enjoy being a short order cook at dinner. I don't really either but I just don't have it in me to struggle over food. The other two - well if you read my last blog you understand why those are not a priority.

"For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you". Matthew 7:2

I want to offer others the same sympathy I would want. The same stares of love without turning my back with a smirk. The strength told hold my tongue and just listen rather than to advise in an area I know nothing about. When it happens, I want to feel supported, not judged.

Let's be honest...

2010-03-31T12:57:00.000-04:00

Children are the best reflective surfaces. You can look in a mirror all you want but you will never see as much as you see in them.

My kids are notorious for being loud. Can't handle it? Don't invite me. I do keep a close ear on it but frankly I have volume issues myself. I know the whole "inside voice" thing. Until pre-school came around it was not as important for me to control it at all times. Children being loud when they are playing and having fun does not bother me. Kids need to have good times and don't need to be held to the same standards as adults.
Has anyone ever called me "quiet", "reserved", or "subdued"? Nope.

I have been complaining a lot lately about Natalie ignoring me. When Cara was Nat's age, and younger, she would almost immediately respond. We worked out a little "Marco Polo" kind of game when I needed to know where she was in the house. I would say "Cara say 'Mommy'? and would soon hear "Mommy" from some part of the house.
Natalie could care less. If I am out of the room and ask a question she will nod her head. How do I know that? I saw her do it from around the corner. Most of the time she will just sit there. Even if I am right in front of her I can ask several times and call her name... nothing. I have to touch her arm or block whatever she is entranced in a stare with. I know that boys can be like that. I think it is fine that Natalie is like that really. She is just different but it still throws me off. Until today...
I was walking through Wal-Mart talking to my Mom on the phone with Natalie in the cart. The past few days my mind has been anywhere but here. My mom asks what Natalie wants. I then realized that she has been saying my name repeatedly and I did not react. Just kept on talking and moving. I followed that up by saying "I just don't know where she gets the ignoring thing from".

Reading through some quotes on judgement I saw one that said “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”. That neat little tidbit is from Mr. Carl Jung. You may remember him from Psych 101 class. That could mean we may do the exact things that are annoying to us on the other side of the fence. It also could mean that we can learn about ourselves by how we chose our irritants. We do chose them ya know?! And that is just fine. They are what they are. You either have an apparent reason for it or you just don't know.

My husband is constantly asking me the "why" behind my opinions. Sometimes he gets a list of viable decision making material. Other times he gets "I don't know why, that is just the way it is supposed to be". At least most of the time I can bring myself to say "I don't know". I would rather that than to make up something or use an invalid point and cling to it. I don't like excuses to be used on me so I try my darnedest not to use them. If I find myself struggling to explain my position, most likely it is because I don't know. It is just the way I feel. Emotions cannot be explained. That is why they are generated in the "heart" and not the "head".

Either way, I usually win the fight because I think and talk faster :P

What I want to see reflected in my kids are not rigidly well behaved pint sized adults. I want it to be natural. I want them to be constantly learning. I want them to be polite and caring with others. I don't have goals for them to be perfect students, prom queen or soccer captain. Those things don't serve any purpose for me. I don't care where they go to college, just that they go and pursue a passion.

I am not a rigidly well behaved partially full-sized adult. I could never expect that from them.

Can't Spell the Runny Poop Word and Other Insecurities: Part 2

2010-03-29T18:05:00.000-04:00

Just as the title says - I struggle spelling the word diarrhea. Ok so I did spell check on that one. Before that I was SOOOO close though! "diarhea" was the first thing I typed. I wish I could say I was even consistent on misspelling it. I flip flop every time. One thing about me that is strange and at times helpful - I can retain a boat-load of information. What reason is there that I can't hold on to the proper spelling of that word? I can remember that Elmo's moms name is Gladys in one DVD we own. How much sense does that make?

Other words I struggle with are the words that end in "-iage" like Marriage and Carriage. I am constantly ending them in "aige". Being married and having children, having 3 miscarriages and being active in email groups/discussion boards. Not being confident about my spelling of those words became an obstacle. I used a lot of abbreviations and spell check and using other words. That is also what I do with the word diarrhea. Below is a list of substitutions I have used:
-Runny Poop
-Hershey Squirts
-Dookie Soup

I am positive now that this cat is out of the bag, I will retain the proper spelling of the words. Mostly because you will know what I am covering up.

In my 20's I prided myself on my spelling. In fact I made a huge deal out of things being misspelled. I do feel strongly that all legal documents need to have correct spelling. Especially if it is someones name. In fact I feel strongly about names in general even now. It is a NAME. What could be more important than a persons name. It is their identity. OK I am done with that. I guess I still have a little bit in me because I headed toward saying. . . I don't feel the need to make a big deal out of it anymore. My theory on myself at that time was that I considered myself better than other people because I could spell. Did that make me a better employee, wife or friend? No. In fact it made me annoying.

There was no way that made me smarter. The belief that it did made me condescending. Do I make the rules that another person should be measured by? Absolutely not. Belittling people for their inability to perform in an area you feel you succeed in is ignorant. Observe that you have weaknesses, be self-aware first.

Romans 12:3, “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

I can trace back the reason I act like that to my upbringing. You HAD to be right. If you were right then no one could tell you that you were wrong. Being wrong was the worst thing you could be. My Dad was always right. But he wasn't and I believed what he said though. Now I look back and think "wow he made that up!". He strived to be correct no matter what the cost - even if it meant spontaneously inventing his supporting information. Another reason I pushed to do the right thing was so I would not get in trouble or get yelled at. That RARELY paid off! But I did it for the wrong person. I did it for my Dad and not for God. My Dad was supposed to be my example of God.

I've learned not fall into the easy trap of measuring yourself against others. Using the "well at least I don't.." argument is wrong. As the verse above says, look at yourself closely first and measure yourself against what God has set as the goal.

Can't Spell the Runny Poop Word and Other Insecurities: Part 1

2010-03-29T15:49:00.000-04:00

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of God that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’

- Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles

Thanks to not changing the channel when the West Coast Playhouse Disney programming was over, I am watching "Akeelah and the Bee". That quote is part of this movie.

It took me by surprise. I have known for the past few days that I have been struggling with insecurities. There are places and things that I can go/do or talk about that are always sure to bring those feelings out. If I were to name them, that would do more harm than good.

It's not the fault of those places or things. It is a tool that is used to keep the darkness up and the light down. Although, I would love to blame them, taking the heat off of me. I am not making excuses so I don't want it to look that way. I think I am about to open up a can of worms and allow them to be seen, that does not feel fantastic. Take a deep breath and hope that this all comes out correctly.

Show of hands . . . who weighs more now than they did in High School? Before marriage? Before kids? Who looks at those pictures from those previous phases and thinks "I can't believe I thought I was fat then?!" Ponder that for a second. For me, that says to look at the pictures of me now and enjoy them. Even if I never lose weight, I am getting older. There will be something that I will miss about the way I look now. Photos are a great way to look at yourself and fix what you don't like. Seeing the way an article of clothing really fits vs. what you think looks good. Hair, I've caught myself in photos in terrible need of a hair cut.

Unfortunately - photos are not X-rays. What we should be focusing on, is the inside. Believe me, when you do, it shows on the outside. I know this because I wear my struggles on my face. I also know this because God says so.

Proverbs 31:30 - "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

That does not mean that I cannot be charming or beautiful. Well I don't know about charming. Charming is not a word I want to describe me. I feel that charm is temporary and can be turned on. When people describe me as talkative or funny - I can't turn those off. There have been times I have tried. In church, around my husbands boss, co-workers or his friends, neighbors family - it ALWAYS slips out. Someone always sets me up for a good one liner and WHAM! It comes out. Timing is everything in comedy so my mouth has no time for my brain to pause for appropriateness. If it is funny or even a bit of information that needs to be said it will be said.

The Bible tells us to look closer at our hearts and actions rather than what can be externally viewed with just the eyes. OK so I may have a bigger problem on my hands than being over weight! LOL

I need to consider the source by which I am measured. Who tells me to strive to be "good" and do good for others and who tells me that I need a tummy tuck? Ok more than a tummy tuck but I did not want that sentence to be too long.

James 1:23 - "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror."

I don't want to judge myself by my own reflection. What I think I do is not worth much if it is not what I really do. Just like those old photos, I did not see what most people saw back then. I only saw what a few people and my perception of society said I was. Now I should look at photos and say "Yep I had about 4 chins in that picture because I was laughing so hard"

Will I still love you when I'm 64?

2010-01-04T13:26:00.000-05:00

I have noticed that I have been noticing seemingly unhappy neighbors lately. This frustrates me because I really like living here. Considering myself a nice and easy person to get along with, I am at times offended by their non-social ways.
The nice older couple that we have lived across from since we had the house built in 2002 has not always been this way. I still consider them nice but they just seem so unhappy. I asked their next door neighbor about it recently and was reminded about their plans to retire to a piece of property they have been working on. On weekends in the summer we would see them take off and return home with large mowing equipment in tow. Obviously they are taking care of the new property as meticulously as they do the current house.

My Dad became increasingly agitated by neighbors after he retired. There was always a list of license plate numbers on a note pad next to the phone. Placing an orange cone in front of the fire hydrant was his way of reminding visitors or long time residents that there is a law against parking in front of a fire hydrant. I always remember him being a parking Nazi though. Especially around the "circle" or cul de sac. I know the police just loved responding to the calls about the people blocking the flow of traffic by parking around the circle.

My Father-in-law complains constantly about people being in his business. These are the same people he wanted the hospital to release him to after his colon surgery. "My neighbors will help me" said the man who you would otherwise think chased people away from his front door with a broom.

Speaking of brooms that also reminds me of the beating one neighbors cat took from the admittedly un-social freaks (my opinion) that live next door to her. The anti-social neighbor claimed that her cat was used to being the only cat in their yard so she beat the other cat to get it to leave. Dare me to take them some holiday cookies? I don't think so - I don't want to get broomed.

I won't even start on a neighbor that lives on the street behind me that called the police BEFORE 9:30 PM on a kids party. Jealous that you were not invited? Well guess WHY you were not invited? Cranky meanie pants.

Don't get me wrong - I have plenty of WONDERFUL neighbors. I mean really wonderful. As I said, even the one set of unhappy neighbors are still good. But it makes me wonder. . . will I be cranky when I get older?

I don't really get upset about noise. I have only come out of my house one time for a noise complaint. To my defense it was early in the morning (before 9 is early to me, LOL. I don't remember what time it was at that time) and the routine of the dog had changed. But to my offense, it was retarded and random of me to complain that day. That stuff usually does not bother me! Sorry Christie and Dave!

I have made an observation during all of this. When my girls go to college, if we have not already moved for some other reason, I will be moving at that time. I don't want neighbors then. I want to be out somewhere on at least 2 acres. If I can see one or two houses, that is great. I do not wish to be tempted to be the cranky retired lady with nothing better to do than drive around a 300 household neighborhood and tattle on HOA violations. I want my life to be consumed with drinking coffee on my porch and talking to my wild-life friends like I am Snow White.

Here is the house I will buy in 15 years: CLICK ON ME
There is a picture of it at the top.

I am sure I will still see you all at Wal-mart.

Choosing Your Decorations

2009-12-30T11:39:00.000-05:00

In Fourth Grade a Student Teacher (I think) came to Mrs. Barker's class and she did a few lessons on poetry. She taught us about the different types of poetry. One type was using the letters in a word or name and finding a word that describes it/them beginning with the same letter.
OK that was a tad complicated to type out but hopefully you get it. If not here is an example of Car:

Costs me money
Airplane would be better
Replace oil soon

Being the Danielle that I am, at the age of 9 I chose DAD as one of the words I would do. I only remember the words I used for one of the D's. "Decorating my life".

Extremely gifted 9 year old poet or a kid that listened to the radio too much? Hint: it was the radio one. Link to lyrics of Kenny Roger's song. Either way I was praised for my ability to be 9 and act like I was 39.

So in one of my many moments of random deep thought, probably in the car or in bed, I began to think deeper. There are a lot of people that "decorate" our lives. Some people you allow to hang things up and other people just come right in and put candles on your mantle without being asked. Either way, when the "season" is over, you need to undecorate.

My Dad is a main person that was automatically allowed to design the way my life would look. He put up some ugly shit I can tell you that. There are quite a few other people that contributed ugly things. The deeper thought I had was that I get to decide what stays and what goes.

At many times in our lives we are given strange and unattractive gifts. Wedding gifts, House Warming, Christmas. Things that other people thought we would like. They were trying to be nice and show that they cared but they don't share your taste. In some cases you wonder if they were blind folded when they picked it out.

I remember one gift that my sister received as a wedding gift. Oh my word it was horrible! It was a ceramic Mother pig in a basket with little piglets that you could line up at her hand painted nipples. What in the world?!?!? I could be wrong but I can't think of anyone that would seriously buy that for themselves! I guess if you were really big into country decor... we will just leave it as "I don't like it". I also dislike chicken and rooster decor.

You definitely know what to do with unattractive gifts given by people who are not close to you. You trash them, re-gift them or donate them. The decision is much more difficult when it is someone you love. Do you keep it around because they are someone you should trust? They love you and gave it to you for a reason. Will you need it later?

I spent a lot of time un-decorating my life when I got married. I was so programmed to always be thinking ahead. Always planning and questioning. Always assuming. While tearing down the old decor I came across some old boxes and new people. There was finally room for other ways of thinking. Positive remarks and encouragement from people that should have never ended up in a box. New ways of viewing other people and their reactions emerged when I opened the door. Redecorating was not easy but it was worth it.

I guess what I am saying is, once we get older we chose the people that shape and decorate our lives. We also have full control over the current design and what we have left hanging on our walls. Look at that ugly picture of a fruit bowl on the wall and say "You know..? I don't like you. Never have liked you. I am taking you down so I don't have to think about you anymore".
You have control. You are the only Interior Designer licensed to practice decorating in your life. So own it, sort through it and make it something to be proud of.

Mail In Rebate Day!!!

2009-11-03T15:51:00.000-05:00

So on my list to fill out today:

Coors Light Rebate - $3 check when you buy three 12 packs of soft drinks - any brand (min purchase $9)

Budweiser - $6 check for $10 minimum purchase of Salty Snacks, Bottled Water, Buns, Pizza (a ton of things qualify!)

Kraft Pizza Company - $10 check for purchasing Four Tombstone Pizza's (and I got those at Food Lion 3/$10 wooohooo)

I just finished another Coors Light one last night to mail out. That one is $7.50.

So soon I should be getting checks totalling $26.50! That will be a good mail day! All for buying stuff I already needed.

I save my receipts and it just happens naturally.

Oh and you don't have to purchase beer to get these rebates. You just have to walk in the beer section (LOL) and pull them off the displays!

NOT A Deal!!!

2009-11-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

OK after reviewing my receipt I was wrong about the Dr. Pepper sale. SOOOOOO wrong.

A little background. . . .
Carter worked for Pepsi back in 2000. We learned many things about the beverage industry while he was there. #1 The guy that services the strip club is the popular guy and everyone wants to "shadow" that trip with him.
#2 In West Virginia, Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper are NOT Pepsi products. They fall in line with the 7-Up folks.

This is what lead to my deal demise. I saw that the 7-up products (which are placed right with Dr. Pepper) were on sale 4/$10. Dr. Pepper products were NOT included. So I paid WAY too much for four 12 pack of soda. BUT I did still get the $1 off coupons AND thanks to Sara and her awesome rebates, I have a Coors Light Mail-In rebate for $3 when I buy three 12 packs. So I feel redeemed but it could have been SOOOOO much better!!!

Dr. Pepper Deal at Weis

2009-11-02T16:08:00.000-05:00

At Weis, Dr. Pepper 12 packs (and 7-up I think) are on sale 4/$10. That is a good deal itself. BUT some 12 packs of Dr. Pepper have $1 off when you buy 2 "peelie" coupons on them. So I got 4 12 packs for $8! WOOHOOO!!!

The Breaks, the Aches, the Promise and the Positive

2009-10-16T09:42:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a day for Pepto. My body could not make up its mind. I had butterflies, acid reflux and my stomach teetered between throwing up and diarrhea. Things that will effect the future, things that shaped my past and some that are just for the day all swirled into one gigantic gastro-intestinal upsetting day.

You want to know why it was not terrible? Want to know why I am not screaming "WHY ME???". God is handling all of it. I am comforted by His promises and plan.

This is a strange attitude for me. I was raised to be a "fixer". There had to be a solution, some thing I could do and someone/thing to blame. Immediate and swift action must be taken to resolve the problem. I think I stopped seeing this as a problem and more as an "event". It is just happening.

My parents house is officially under contract. They remodeled the house that was given to them by a dear neighbor that had past away in November of 1995. This is the house that since late 2002 has served as a haven for grandchildren to run and play. A place for holidays, exactly the way my Mom had envisioned them.
It was the first place Megan celebrated a holiday once she was released from the NICU.
It was the location for Cassie and Natalie's 1st Birthday parties.
Where the kids had Nana and PopPop sleepovers.
Where they pulled the cushions off the couch, the towels off the stove and the magnets off the fridge.
We took McDonald's drive thru orders at the kitchen window for the "hungry" kids on the deck.
The doorbell was rung a billion times. One of those times was because Ginger and I were playing "Pizza Man" with Samuel and we did not notice that he had gone out again and he could not get back in. *Did I mention that it was February and he had no shoes on?*

I don't think we ever realized that we would need to change our position about our memories. Switch the way we feel about those times and that house. It was the house where that all physically took place. But our family was the real heart of it. As much as that house was filled with joy and excitement, it was also full of more.

It was full of body language and stares.
Where we closely controlled volume and subject matter.
Where we whispered when Dad left the room.
It was a place of caution and repression.
The freedom that the children had, was not that at all.
It was the place that Dad disappeared from last Christmas Eve.
It was the place where the Elephant in the room that everyone was ignoring sat right down on the couch and said "HELLO! You have to talk about me now!"

So now, here we are. The elephant is out, everyone knows. We acknowledge that we let the pachyderm push and pull us and the kids were watching. They paid attention. They knew, and we let them sit confused and lost. Now its over - at least in that way.
The focus turns to Mom and Dad and where they will physically go from here. Some where in there we have to concern ourselves with how we will set up this new form of our family. That cannot be done right now - I know I can't figure it out now. This is where the new found patience and peace comes in - I can't plan this.

Whatever it looks like, the family that created the joy and excitement is still there. The physical location does not matter. We can make memories in a Walmart parking lot and that does not make them any less special because they were not in that house.

The promise I have from God is that we are saving the children from the hurt. Saving them from the confusion and doubt. It goes along with what God wants our children to know. They are loved - unconditionally. Whether they are loud, have a temper, a smart mouth, think poop is funny, they can be themselves. This is where they should feel accepted. There are too many people and places in life that are going to tell them they are wrong.

It starts now. Why? Because by the time Cara goes shopping for her wedding dress and chooses off white or something different, we will all be de-programmed and wont even think about if PopPop will approve. That is the positive.

Pictures from Danielle

2009-10-10T19:56:00.001-04:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Why you should listen to "Saving with Sara" . . .

2009-10-05T19:48:00.000-04:00

Today I got two things in the mail because I listened to Sara. If you pay close attention to her you will feel like you win every time you go grocery shopping. I am so glad I met her and found her blog!!!

The first thing I spotted today was a box in front of my garage. It was the Nature Valley Prize Pack that I won by entering a contest on Sara's blog!!!! I have been threatened that I need to share my Nut Clusters with a few people so I will not be opening them right now!

The next thing I got you cna see in the picture also - it is a coupon book for Kashi Cereal. Sara advised her followers to sign up with a cool site, Vocal Point. I signed up because I saw that Sara received a sample cereal and a bunch of coupons. Well todayI got this pack of coupons. It had TWO $3 off coupons for Kashi Cereal! And at least 3 or 4 $1.50 off coupons. I am thinking I am going to try some Kashi Cereal soon!!!! Hahahaha.

Oh and Tomorrow I am going to Target to get some juice. Mott's products are "buy 5 get a $5 gift card" this week. Yeah, I got that from Sara too!

Still funny after all these years

2009-09-14T13:21:00.000-04:00

Growing up in Columbia, MD I never thought I would live in an area like this. West Virginia is the subject of so many jokes about incest and general non-smartness. The seemingly huge jump to living here was a progression. Nevertheless, it is still funny to me even though we have been here since 2002. My mom still tells people I live "south of Hagerstown, MD". My neighbors and I exchange quick witted humor about being natives or transplants. When asked where I live, despite my long response explaining how close we are to Baltimore and D.C., I may seem embarassed but I really like this place.