Just Nod and Smile.

A friend of mine recently said "Honestly, people should only get one stupid health thing and that's it." Appropriate response to my update to her and another dear friend after my last Doctor's appointment. Great idea, but I seem to be working on #2.  #1 of course is the random benign tumor that I have. At this moment #2 random freaky thing has not been completely diagnosed, but the guesses have been enough to throw me.

"When did this start?" Usually this is an answer I have to guess or estimate.  Seriously, I don't chart sore throats and headaches which is usually what they are asking about. This answer, however, was heavily lined with major changes in my life and actually mentioned in my blog. No problem dropping the bomb of an answer "Almost 2 years ago." It's fun to make professionals use every muscle in their face when they react. Her look was part "OMG" and part "DUMMY!" Regardless, I had finally let this 2 year old cat out of the bag and it turned into a lion.  Who ignores serious "brain farts" for 2 years? Where everyone sounds like they are speaking some alien language? *Raises Hand*

I had only sprinkled this information around to friends and family. Only when necessary because it makes me sound crazy. That's exactly what I thought it was, mental.  I was under a tremendous amount of stress when this started.  Carter had just been laid off and we were still waiting for the next job to swoop in.  Then we moved to Nashville.  Who wouldn't feel a little nuts? I blogged about being frozen and I was during that time.  I guess I figured all of that clenching and freezing busted something up there and it was getting out this way. In the last few months it was getting harder to cover.  It wasn't just happening while I was watching TV, or talking to Carter, or alone.

Answering all of those standard questions for a pediatric sick visit a few months ago, I felt it.  It hit and the nurse was looking at me because it was my turn to talk. I knew she was talking about Natalie's prescriptions.  Tried to talk... nothing. Tried again to gather what she she was asking... nothing. Great idea, let's go around and look at her computer and read what she is talking about... oh crap, I can't read either! Panic doesn't help these episodes.  These things last anywhere from 5-20 seconds.  When I finally came back around I had to tell her. Her response "You really need to get that checked out." I'm OK with being crazy on purpose, people expect that out of me.  I had no control over this and it was weird. At that moment it stopped being a quirky thing about me.  I could not process any form of communication.

A check-up for my blood pressure became my forum for finally asking for help.  After my Doctor got her face back to normal she asked more questions. One of them, "Do you ever bite your tongue or urinate on yourself when this happens?" Uhhhh NO! I think I would've panicked before now if I did that. Duh.  I gawked a little at the question and then realized I was the idiot that waited way too long to look into this. So here we go, she throws out strokes (TIA), arterial flow issues, seizures and migraines (OK I threw in migraines for her because I had done some "healthy googling" and that was my favorite).  The first thing we had to rule out was the more immediately serious of the bunch, stroke and blood flow issues.  A CT scan and a 30 minute carotid artery doppler later I got the all clear from those causes.  Oh yeah, and brain tumors  That was in the back of my mind but I am sooooooo glad she kept that to herself.  For some reason hearing her say these things has more weight than when they are just floating around in my malfunctioning skull. No brain tumors, not going to join Dad and Granny in the TBI/Stroke recovery program at 34.  Cool. Next appointment please!

"You need to tell people".  This was after her heavy list of warnings regarding seizures. Partial-Simple Seizures are the suspect at this point. Letting the neurologist diagnose it is her plan but she has her mind pretty much made up.  The other thing on the diagnosis table would be migraines. These brain farts turned into serious business. Warning me that I couldn't be put on medication until the tests the neurologist would want had been completed, I was told when to go to the ER and what to watch for. I think the longest I have gone without one was 3 weeks.  Right now I am getting 3 days at the most.  A month ago I was having 2-3 per day for 2 weeks. Nothing seems to trigger them. Can't say that a headache proceeds or follows them. I have started to be able to feel them coming on.  I give Carter warnings and then I play a fun game in which I repeat the jacked up stuff I hear. So far I have always been able to get out "Hold on" or something like that during them.  Beyond that, I am afraid that I will start saying crazy things and really freak people out.  What I see is out of focus.  I am completely conscious and I am aware of it all. I remember it all. Sometimes the room gets brighter. I just nod and smile.  Lasting from about 5 to 20 seconds (by the way, 20 seconds is an ETERNITY when you don't understand what people are saying to you!).  I even had one day that I felt on the edge of one the entire day.  No multi-tasking for me that day.  Walking and listening posed a problem.  I was advised that someone at the school needed to know just in case they became more physical.  All I could think about was ending up on the floor there.  I joked quite a bit about it. I told a few that I was going to stand on a tumbling mat in the gym. Feeling confident that even though they had increased in frequency recently, but not in severity, it was humorous. I try to make everything funny, duh. 

Enduring the "OK weirdo" (my interpretation not the actual feelings of the listener) looks, I started sharing.  Let's cover my self imposed job in this world here: I am passionate about encouraging everyone to share, talk, go to other people, speak up and finally, listen.  This is why I probably over-share.  No one should feel alone, ever.  If no one has experience with it, you will find someone who will listen and go through it with you.  I am incredibly blessed with family and friends that do just that.  Taking a chance on being annoying, I will normalize or help you with whatever I have to offer. If I don't know I will be googling it.  My family has experience with so much, every few years we hit something new. Yeah, this is a new one. Putting our heads together we almost become experts in these areas. Do we really want to add new things to the experience section of our life resume? No. What do you do with it? Lean on those that play on your team and stay open to be leaned on.

At this moment it is not serious and I never thought it was before.  Hearing the warnings and signs to watch for come out of my Doctor's mouth made this typically well composed woman crumble. I am super woman in almost ever other situation.  Lacking control...there is nothing I can do until I have my appointment with the neurologist.  The tumor thing I can take Motrin, wear the right clothing and avoid using my stomach muscles and frankly just suck it up.  Eventually we will have a solution to this, but it has been the few weeks in limbo after my last appointment that have been tough.  There is a chance I could walk in there and be told that this is just mental, in that case, I will take a purple straight jacket. That seems to be my best color. Migraines also could be to blame.  They don't seem to match as well but I'm not known for being "textbook". And there it is! Chances are, you won't experience one with me and even if you do I probably won't tell you ;) .  I've gotten pretty good at fudging through it. I should carry certificates for those who have seconds of their important rhetoric mutilated in my brain! Anxiously awaiting November 6 when I burst on to the Neurology scene. Until then I will keep laughing when my brain tells me "those aren't the lyrics to that song" and "you should rewind that Housewives episode because they are crazy but not that crazy" and "geez I hope I didn't just nod and smile and agree to something bad!" We will get this taken care of, and I will label myself an honorary specialist on this new subject soon. I just can't wait to stop worrying.

Let's Re-visit

Yes I have been slacking hard on blogging. 

I blog when I feel like I have something to share.  I share and open up in the hope that maybe someone else can relate and not feel so alone in this.  Normalizing is one of the most powerful things we can do for others.

A long time ago I read and blogged about reading Beth Moore's book on insecurity. Apparently that's a book you should never have out of reach. I started struggling again recently and in the back of my mind kept telling myself I needed to get another copy. My need to revisit stabbed me right in the heart yesterday and made it an emergency. 

On the very short ride home from school Cara was obviously excited about a toy that a classmate had. She hesitated and then said " I want to say how cute it is but I am afraid that Natalie will be upset". You know what I did next, hail storm of questions.

"Why would Natalie be upset?"

"Because if I say how cute it is she will think she is not cute."

"WHAT?!"

Natalie chimes in, "yeah like if there is a baby bird and it is soooo cute, cuter than me, then I am not cute anymore. "

"WHAT?!?!?!"

Where did she get this?!? She has no less than 10 people give her daily affirmations about how cute she is. The child is practically the Mayor of the school! If the whole school voted for a School President, 4th graders would elect this kindergartener! I was called "Natalie's Mom" for weeks when I first started subbing. Regardless of the grade! What in the world was this new development in her thought process?!

I talked with her and told her no matter how big she got or who else was around, they love Natalie. It's not just the cute-ness. While talking her through it I felt an elephant was on my chest and now it was sitting in the living room.

The elephant, well it was my conversation I had with Carter a little over a week ago (pretty sure he is wishing he married a girl that was mute right about now). There was no way Natalie heard it, but those words sounded like mine. Almost exactly mine! Did I pass this on without saying it? I feel like I never drop my guard. But these girls will see past it. And this was the first time I realized I had to attack this issue for them.

I like to analyze myself and then try to fix it.  I spent a lot of time this fall reading books on women in The Bible.  Picking out the bad things about myself in the "bad girls" and the good things in the"good girls". Seeing myself in Jezebel was a horrible moment! Catching a glimpse myself in Sarah was a high note. Suddenly I hit a wall.  I was spinning my tires in the mud trying to be a perfect wife when I couldn't fix any of the things bothering my husband.  If I had been allowed to go every where with him and counsel him through it, I would have.  Changes I was making in myself were not being recognized like I wanted them to be.  He didn't see the things I was doing, what I found to be valuable, for him.  I let that kill my sense of worth.  My sense of worth had no business being rooted there. Beth told me that a few years ago, but it slipped my mind.

Today I made a point to go get the book so I could read it again.  Lucky for me, it was on sale too. Got home, opened it up... the tears started on page 5.  How did I get so far away from what I had learned before? On page 10 she started in on another problem I have.  Kicking myself for being foolish or stupid enough to let these things bother me.  OK, yeah that does not help solve the problem! At the bottom of page 10 she says "We can think we've murdered that monster once and for all, and then it rises from the dead and it has grown another head". Yep, it's got a few heads now.

In my honest conversation with Carter he turned to me and sincerely said "You've got to do something to feel better about yourself". My reply "I know what you are thinking and none of that works".  I could start working out and lose a bunch of weight.  Go get implants, or my teeth whitened.  Carry the latest Coach bag, or go back to school and finish my degree.  But it's not there and I know it.  That has to be the worst feeling as a husband.  He can't control it or fix it, but he has to listen and watch me struggle with it.

If any good can come from watching these "Real Housewives" shows it has been this: I have watched an openly God fearing woman with a lot of money, blonde hair, purchased boobs, an incredible figure and 3 great kids stumble with her insecurity.  What does that prove? That none of that works!!! You can be feeling great about yourself and then whoops, there is a woman in front of you with brown hair, real boobs, 4 kids and more money unintentionally making you feel lesser.  It's all in your head, not your bank account, job, workout routine or mammaries. If it is there, it needs to be relocated to a safer venue.  That is not where your confidence belongs. 

Chapter 1 was tackled today. This is my second go at trying to make progress. I have to do it for my girls.  I can't accidentally pass down my issues to them.  They need to know right from the start how to handle this.  How can I help them when most of my brain is thinking the same thing? Once Mommy gets a grip on the tools, I can pass them on so they can have them in their belt. This book is going to stay next to my bed for a very long time.  I will re-visit it as many times as necessary to regain my security and keep putting it back where it belongs.

Struck Dumb

Ask my husband - I can "win" just about any argument by the shear speed of my words.  He can't keep up.  If I slowed down - he would win.  I used that a lot as a teenager.  A quick sharp tongue could lash the most undeserving and the deserving.  Using that on anyone at any time has escaped me as an adult.
 Maybe it was pregnancy that zapped my brain cells (although I was quite a bear during Cara's pregnancy). Maybe it is just having children around in general. Could be that my language has been watered down to "stinky" and "tushy"?  I don't even say "hate" unless I want to get a look from Cara (that's just one of my things, doesn't have to be yours).  I think there is another possibility. . . I am momentarily Struck Dumb.

Have you ever left a discussion and thought of one million comebacks that you could have said? Struck Dumb.  How about finding no fault in a new friend but then all of the sudden seeing what is really there? Struck Dumb.  Ever felt insulted but only in hindsight? Struck Dumb.
 
Being insatiably thirsty for information right now, I have set my sights on the Bible.  Focusing in on women in the Bible, I have devoured 3 books.  I hit a wall one day (well, end of the shelf) at the library in my search to continue learning.  Scanning the shelves (side note - there is no way they should allow a Shannon Doherty book that close to literature about my Savior!) for a book to satisfy my general need for knowledge popped out.  "100 Most Fascinating People in the Bible".  Feeling the need to fill in the gaps felt while reading my last book, I checked it out.  The book I read before this one made references to things that I did not remember.  Obviously the author was assuming that I knew the Bible front to back. I don't, yet.  So when you say things like "He was like Elijah" and leave it at that, I am lost. 
In Alphabetical order - this book is hard to follow. It is really more of a reference book.  The "J" section is incredibly long. From Jacob, to a bunch of Joseph's and John's of course you can't skip JESUS, I was working my way through them when I hit John the Baptist.
Elizabeth and Zechariah were "elderly"  and childless when the angel Gabriel told Zechariah that they would have a son. He would be named John (known as John the Baptist) and would, among other wonderful things, ready the people for the coming of Jesus.  (Luke 1:8-25).  In verse 18, Zechariah questions the angel in what must have been more like true disbelief than pure confusion based on what happens in the next 2 verses.  In verse 20 the angel says "And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time.” That is exactly what happened. He came out of the temple and could not speak.

Let's go back to my "100 People" book and the "J" section.

My book has different wording to describe what happened to Zechariah. On page 41 in the opening paragraph about John the Baptist it says ". . .his father doubted the angel's words and was STRUCK DUMB as a punishment".  This made me laugh.  The wording is hilarious to me, but very simple - "struck dumb".  I am sure there are more interpretations of the words used to describe his condition but this one seemed so true as an explanation for my inability to connect my brain and mouth when I feel they should be raging!

To clarify, no I don't think God is punishing me by striking me dumb.  I don't think there is any real relationship between my experience and Zechariah.  I believe mine is more like training.  God has used my choke collar a few good times and tightened so I could feel, over the years, Him leading me to hold back my speech. 

There is a relationship between the wording.  That is exactly how I feel after an incident that enrages me only after I have taken 4 steps away from it.  Had that person needed my "guidance" at the time, He would have released my dumb-ness.  Recently, there was no other explanation for my lack of wits and words except for being struck dumb.  My children were being insulted and corrected by someone that I had just met.  You can mess with me but you will not mess with my kids.   If you love my kids and have been in their lives for a long time, you can feel free.  But you do it out of love or the need for safety - not because you are spreading your "children should be little adults" rules all around and mine were in your path.  Seriously I felt like (without ever having really experienced one) I had a seizure.  I stuttered, my face froze, mouth wide open, I was in shock.  When I finally got my words back I decided it was time to make an exit.  I directed it at Cara and gave them the 5 minute warning to clean up. 

WHY GOD?!?!? Why didn't you let me lay into this person!?!?!? I know there is a good reason! I have not sought another attempt to put myself in that situation again.  I know that my brain is already way too full of sinful words and plans for me to control on my own.  Some days I think it would just feel really good to have my power of explosive words back! Don't you ever have really bad days and you think "the next person to even look at me wrong is going to get it".  Seemingly daring people with your eyes to even look at you the wrong way.  I felt this way at Target a few weeks ago.  No one even looked at me in that aisle.  No eye contact.  Wow, I thanked God for them, because they had no idea!  Now, I thank God for the work he has done in me (still a work in progress) that allows people to view HIS love through me.  It is genuine, cannot be faked, and not forced.

Following your next meeting, outing or family gathering that results in a tirade of killer words and thoughts only 5 minutes too late. . . grab your coffee, your stress ball, and consider yourself Struck Dumb.  Its' a good thing.

Should You Handle The Truth?

Maybe I watch too much TV. Maybe I need some fast acting anti-anxiety patch to apply, but there are definitely times when I get this feeling.  A feeling that there is something out there, something big, that I don't know. Of course there is a lot out there that I don't know (don't tell Cara and Natalie though).  I mean something like a major dose of dishonesty, a back stabbing moment from someone you trusted, or a major ground shaking revelation.  Should we know? Could there be something out there that is just a smidge past the plain nose on our face that we don't see? 

We all curse poor Eve every time her descendant Aunt Flo makes an appearance.  Even more cursing begins when the oxytocin (or pitocin for those of us that need a nudge) starts flowing and the pain of bringing another life into the world hits us ladies.  It is, in many minds, her fault that this world is not perfect and painless.  She got the wrap but I guarantee if she had not done it, someone else would have.  She was just the first contestant on "Don't Eat From That Tree". A lot is debated about this event: Was Adam there with her the whole time? Was it an Apple or a Fig? Where was that dang tree? Why did she do it?  One thing we know - her wants over took her obedience.  Who wouldn't want to know EVERYTHING!?!? Or are we better off not knowing?

Riding home from work in the car one day I was listening to Dr. Laura. She is known for her very conservative opinions and advice. What she said that day shocked me.  She told someone NOT to tell their spouse about an affair.  Her * (asterisk) on that comment was, if it was a one time thing, and not going to happen again and you did not get caught, don't tell.  Telling would be to relieve the guilt of the offending partner and serve no purpose to the victimized spouse.  So if you learned your lesson, kick some kitty litter over it, jump out of the litter box and keep going (<---my metaphor, not hers).
I started thinking... I would want to know! That would KILL me if there was someone else out there that knew, even if it was just the "other woman".  I would die if others close to me knew.  I should know something like this. Or did Dr. Laura have a point? Do we need to know EVERYTHING?

New Years Day 2003 I woke up in terrible pain.  That aforementioned descendant of Eve had arrived and in different fashion.  Carter I had been trying to get pregnant for a year to no avail.  The days leading up to the new year I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms. One was definitely a sign for me because it had been one for my sister.  On New Years Eve I took a pregnancy test... negative.  I still did not drink that night with my dinner at Outback, planning to retest in the morning.  The next morning I could barely stand.  I called off our plans for dinner with my family. I called out of work the next day.  I went to my regular doctor, they had no explanation.  Life went on and I did not know what to think of it.
You see, I went through a "phase" early in 2003 where I cried every morning in the shower. Finally after going through this for a few weeks, I asked for help. I started taking Prozac and my irregular cycles became miraculously regular for 3 months.  I thought prozac was a magical gynecological healer. Again, life went on and I did not know what to think of it. . . . . until after I had Cara.

A little over a year later on February 9, 2004 I finally got my two pink lines. First positive test I had ever seen. After she was born in October I suffered from what started as Baby Blues and turned into full on depression complete with "I'm not taking medicine I don't want to feel better" RED FLAG!!!  One thing in my life was constant, my cycle, for 3 months, like clock work.  2/9/2004 was when I got my first two pink lines but it was not my first pregnancy.

Would it have been better for me to have confirmation on that one test I took that New Year's Eve?  How would I have felt knowing what I had just lost?  How freaking nuts would I have been not getting pregnant again until a year later?!?!? I can answer that one! I would have been a complete lunatic! Each month! For an entire YEAR! In between Cara and Natalie I did suffer two confirmed miscarriages.  The 2nd one they offered testing to see if there was an explanation.  The results were - no explanation.  Then my OB looked at Carter and I and said "Do you want to know if it was a boy or a girl?" Before I could get out the sound the letter N makes, Carter said Yes and the Dr. answered with "It was a girl".  Did I need to know that?  Doesn't matter because I did know and there it was, information that hurt too badly to process.

I truly believe there is some information that we are spared for very good reasons.  With technology, we are able to go out there and get a lot of it, are we meant to know?  On Facebook, excessive sharing comes to mind.  Did I need to know that person was at PetSmart?
In the Beth Moore book I read, she shared a story about a young lady that had finally ended an engagement that she felt was bad.  She had suspicions that he had been seeing someone else or at least being inappropriate with another woman.  So she used her knowledge and busted into his email.  She found what she was looking for.  Did that feel any better? To know specifically what was going on?  She could have spared herself the self-worth damage and just trusted her instincts and her God that she did the right thing.

Would we really like to know what is said about us behind closed doors? Things possibly said in anger and frustrations. Things that they did not mean to say but it came out anyway?  Untruths that could kill our self-esteem that are not intended to make us a better person? We know that we can be frustrated with someone and go from mad to over it in a matter of hours.  Can we just accept that they got over it?

There has to be a balance between being a sitting duck and digging beyond the knowledge we were meant to have.  It is a struggle for me when I get these feelings.  I still want to know but I know that when it is time for me to know, I will. And the time will be right and I will be able to handle it.  I'm not saying there is anything to know.  At times there does seem to be a sixth sense but it is not always correct.  I would feel like a fool if there was something going on right under my nose and I did not see it.  Could I be spared of that foolish feeling if it was not something I absolutely had to know? Of course we CAN handle the truth, but should we?

Was That "Being Still" or Did I Pass Out?

As Christmas approached we had a lot of job leads but no offers.  Christmas morning at Granny's was almost sacked by snow for us folk with 2 mountains in between us and the destination.  We made it just fine to this holiday tradition. It was the first Christmas that I can remember that was not at Granny's house.  One thing we have learned in the last year or two is that it is not the location, it is the people.  We all fit into Granny's high end apartment home just fine.  Breakfast was just as it always was even with the major adjustments.  This was our first Christmas without Grandaddy.  The third without Dad.  The kids took over every room in that 2 bedroom apartment playing with their gifts.  They adjust much better than we do.

After around 2 weeks of Carter being unemployed I shut down. I was so afraid of doing something or saying something out of emotion and stress. It started showing on the outside.  I was holding in all of those emotions with all of my might. My acid reflux got worse. I was using my inhaler for what I thought were asthma episodes.  Turns out it was just tightness in my chest.  More anxiety and panic than airway constriction. 

At times my mind would seem to go blank.  That started right before Thanksgiving. I was talking to my mom on the phone and could not get a certain word right.  I was aware of what I wanted to say but my brain knew that was not what came out of my mouth. I brushed that off, until it happened again with my brother in law Kevin at Thanksgiving Dinner.  I was standing in the garage and I was trying to explain to him that the small fridge was the one I had in "college".  Did not feel right so I tried to say it again. Nope still not right. I got aggravated and a lot un-nerved and said "What did I just say? I know it was not right!"  He said "I don't know but it sounded like something that started with a "P".  Finally I described it as "the place you go to after high school". My brain broke free and then I finally said it.  To say I felt crazy is an understatement but Kevin is familiar with that.  

This would not be the last time it would happen. In fact it continues to happen but now I also blank and don't understand what people are saying. Whether it is something on TV or someone in front of me, or listening to myself talk, my brain freaks out at random times and stops connecting.  I'm not sure how to combat this new and odd stress symptom.  I think I am going to try and not freak out when it happens. Maybe if I relax it will unfreeze my brain faster. Ha!  Laugh about it and follow with a big sigh.  That has become a common expression in the last year for all of my family.

With Christmas gone, next was New Year's Day.  A day in my mind that I did not want to face without an offer for Carter. I was quietly anticipating a worrisome week.  Pushing back the thoughts of what we would do if there was no offer and the severance pay runs out.  Can't go there unless it is absolutely needed. 

No one was obviously at work on Sunday.  There goes Monday, no one wants to work the day after they get back from the Christmas holiday, not even HR.  Tuesday begins, I start trying to get the house in order, keeping myself busy.  I sort laundry.  After weeks of jumping every time I heard Carter's cell ring, I did not hear this one.  What I heard was Carter coming up the stairs. He burst through our bedroom door with the phone on his ear, points at the phone and gives me a thumbs up with the biggest smile.  OHL was making him an offer. A very nice offer, unbelievable.  I don't mean that it was more salary than we were anticipating - it was the relocation that was hard to believe.  They were making it possible for the girls to finish the school year here, and much more.

So for the 2nd time, we are moving to Nashville. Of course we did not go the first time, we ended up in Atlanta.  Then ended up back here.  From that experience in 2007/2008 I learned that you never know what is going to happen.  

So much to think about and plan for. Mostly it has been a hurry up and wait game.  I keep going back to the shut down mode. If I let go, I roll over a million scenarios that seem like a waste of time.  Trying to let it out one at a time, at appropriate times is my new goal.

All praise to God for bringing us through this experience without a scratch. Carter and I spent time together, he spent time with the girls.  They were more upset that he got a job because he could not eat lunch with them at school or after Pre-K.  It was a great time living in that "hold" world.  This part, because of our personalities, will be the marriage strain.  I am not good at being apart from him.  We differ in our opinions on everything when it comes to moving.  Knowing that, more praise will be thrown to God if we survive this part without loss of major body parts/organs. 

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God"

I am pretty sure that I was "being still" in some sense of the meaning. It seemed there was no other choice.  I stopped talking to God at length. Just mostly an every once in a while check in "hey! I'm still here patiently waiting for You to do Your thing". I feel more like a majority of the time I was playing dead or unconscious.  Keeping it in perspective, that is an improvement for me. I want problems fixed yesterday and fixed correctly.  Not so sure how much of it was peace and calm and how much was clenching and squeezing.  It was done though, without my mouth ripping and tearing through this tough time.

Thank you for your prayers and support during this interesting chapter in our lives.  Now I can go back in my hole for a few days - I finally finished this blog!

If You Should Like To Know...

I've been quiet here. I really planned to have something to tell you by now.  There is lots to tell but nothing in the way of a final decision.  Nothing huge either, just lots of little stuff.

We don't even have anything to problem solve or sort through.  Mainly because there is too much to think about. Seems more of a waste of time to think about ALL of the scenarios when we don't have any offers.  I guess one day when we get bored that would be something to do. So far, I am not bored enough.

At this moment there are many irons in the fire. Each one in a different phase. A job in Brentwood, TN should be the first to make an offer.  Carter has been through the whole process and there were quite a few remarks made that more than hinted that an offer would be made. Too bad it was around these holidays or the process could have moved faster. Speaking of that....

A little encouragement to others that finds themselves job seeking at this time of year - The last 3 job offers Carter has received have come at this time of year. Two in 2007 and one last year at this time.  This is NOT a "bad time" of year to be looking for work.  Companies are still recruiting so keep plugging. Other job seekers may be taking a break on submitting their resumes because they are busy now or they subscribe to the thinking that it is a "bad time".  You could be getting a head start.

The position that is the next furthest along is in Lynchburg, VA. I attended college there for 2 semesters and when I left, I REALLY, REALLY made some remarks that would lead you to believe that I would never move there.  This is where God decided to show his humor.  He knows I will go where He leads.  It could be worse.  Carter has had 4 phone interviews and they have been tough. This company is notorious for taking their sweet time in selecting candidates. That is very noble - but we don't have time.  We may have no choice.  This is where God comes in - He can move mountains if he wants to.

Two more potential jobs are in the beginning stages. One phone call we just received today.  An outside recruiter for a company in Roanoke, VA saw his resume and wants to submit it for consideration.  The second job is with Macy's in Portland, TN (North of Nashville).  To those of you that remember when we moved to Atlanta in 2008, we were initially moving to Portland, TN to work for Macy's.  At the time Macy's relocation and medical benefits paled in comparison to Newell Rubbermaid (Atlanta) so we turned down the offer and moved to Georgia.  Last week there was a front page article (featuring my neighbor Nic) announcing that Macy's will be building an enormous distribution center in Martinsburg, WV to be finished in 2012.  In the conversation that Carter had with the Macy's HR contact, she asked if he would be willing to move to TN temporarily and then work in the Martinsburg facility when it was completed.  That would be interesting.  That is the only scenario that mind my keeps trying to work out. I get as far as saying "how would we do that?"  Then I realize that is too much to think about unless it is necessary. I would also need A LOT more information to even begin to think of just 3 possibilities.

I am a planner, not necessarily by nature but by nurture. It feels better to plan and be in control. If you weigh everything and think it through enough then you can make a good decision. Or at least one that looks like a good decision.

And that is where we are. Agonizing more each day when we don't have an offer. Moderately distracted by the new possibilities that keep rolling in.  I have to keep up the hope that if we have this many "bites" we will catch a fish eventually.  This river is not stocked so I cannot even begin to guess what fish we will catch.

Usually I bring it all back to the title of my post at the end. The only way to explain this one is to tell the story I only remember half of.  There was someone (a neighbor, family member or friend) my parents knew and one time they said "If you should like to know... I am sick". Apparently no one was asking but it was important to that person that everyone know. LOL

***Totally forgot to update about the interview Carter had in Ohio with Eddie Bauer. They put a freeze on hiring for that position. They could lift it but we are not holding our breath.

Breaking the news.

If you read my last blog you know I discovered while typing that it may be a good idea to explain what is going on to the girls. 
So when Natalie got home from Pre-K yesterday Carter sat her on his leg and started talking.  He explained that he lost his job and that is why he is not going to work. He told her not to worry about anything but that is why he was here a lot right now. Preparing her for the fact that eventually he will go back to work and not be here like this was also a part of it. Then Natalie looked at him and said. . .

"I want to tell you something... Team Umizoomi is in my room. They are tiny super heroes."
To which I responded "Well can they help Daddy get a new job?"
Natalie says "Noooo (like that was a silly question) they only help kids.  They help with shapes and Bot has a TV in his tummy"
And CUT! That's a wrap people. It went right over her head but at least she knows!

Cara's turn, Carter talked to her alone.  I was just in the other room so I could hear.  She was quiet and listened. When he asked if she had questions or if something was bothering her she told a story about how a boy at school said that he did not love her.
Enter stage left - lesson on what "love" is (the 6 year old version).
I tried to bring it back around and ask her how she feels about Daddy not working. She gives me a HUGE smile and said "I like it, he comes and eats lunch with me at school"
And fade to black. These children are going to be MORE upset that he has to go back to work!!!

Me too frankly. It has been nice having him here. We have only had 2 "disagreements" in these 2 weeks.  This time, for me, is being used to prove to myself that we can handle this.  We don't have to give in to the anxiety and other crazy emotions that are swirling. Keep those feelings "real", don't distort them into something they are not.  That is hard but I am excited to face this challenge. 

We are watching a lot more TV, going grocery shopping together and eating dinner at 5:00 PM. I am pretty sure this is what retirement is like!