Thursday, April 19, 2012

Let's Re-visit

Yes I have been slacking hard on blogging. 
I blog when I feel like I have something to share.  I share and open up in the hope that maybe someone else can relate and not feel so alone in this.  Normalizing is one of the most powerful things we can do for others.

A long time ago I read and blogged about reading Beth Moore's book on insecurity. Apparently that's a book you should never have out of reach. I started struggling again recently and in the back of my mind kept telling myself I needed to get another copy. My need to revisit stabbed me right in the heart yesterday and made it an emergency. 

On the very short ride home from school Cara was obviously excited about a toy that a classmate had. She hesitated and then said " I want to say how cute it is but I am afraid that Natalie will be upset". You know what I did next, hail storm of questions.
"Why would Natalie be upset?"
"Because if I say how cute it is she will think she is not cute."
Natalie chimes in, "yeah like if there is a baby bird and it is soooo cute, cuter than me, then I am not cute anymore. "

Where did she get this?!? She has no less than 10 people give her daily affirmations about how cute she is. The child is practically the Mayor of the school! If the whole school voted for a School President, 4th graders would elect this kindergartener! I was called "Natalie's Mom" for weeks when I first started subbing. Regardless of the grade! What in the world was this new development in her thought process?!
I talked with her and told her no matter how big she got or who else was around, they love Natalie. It's not just the cute-ness. While talking her through it I felt an elephant was on my chest and now it was sitting in the living room.

The elephant, well it was my conversation I had with Carter a little over a week ago (pretty sure he is wishing he married a girl that was mute right about now). There was no way Natalie heard it, but those words sounded like mine. Almost exactly mine! Did I pass this on without saying it? I feel like I never drop my guard. But these girls will see past it. And this was the first time I realized I had to attack this issue for them.

I like to analyze myself and then try to fix it.  I spent a lot of time this fall reading books on women in The Bible.  Picking out the bad things about myself in the "bad girls" and the good things in the"good girls". Seeing myself in Jezebel was a horrible moment! Catching a glimpse myself in Sarah was a high note. Suddenly I hit a wall.  I was spinning my tires in the mud trying to be a perfect wife when I couldn't fix any of the things bothering my husband.  If I had been allowed to go every where with him and counsel him through it, I would have.  Changes I was making in myself were not being recognized like I wanted them to be.  He didn't see the things I was doing, what I found to be valuable, for him.  I let that kill my sense of worth.  My sense of worth had no business being rooted there. Beth told me that a few years ago, but it slipped my mind.

Today I made a point to go get the book so I could read it again.  Lucky for me, it was on sale too. Got home, opened it up... the tears started on page 5.  How did I get so far away from what I had learned before? On page 10 she started in on another problem I have.  Kicking myself for being foolish or stupid enough to let these things bother me.  OK, yeah that does not help solve the problem! At the bottom of page 10 she says "We can think we've murdered that monster once and for all, and then it rises from the dead and it has grown another head". Yep, it's got a few heads now.

In my honest conversation with Carter he turned to me and sincerely said "You've got to do something to feel better about yourself". My reply "I know what you are thinking and none of that works".  I could start working out and lose a bunch of weight.  Go get implants, or my teeth whitened.  Carry the latest Coach bag, or go back to school and finish my degree.  But it's not there and I know it.  That has to be the worst feeling as a husband.  He can't control it or fix it, but he has to listen and watch me struggle with it.

If any good can come from watching these "Real Housewives" shows it has been this: I have watched an openly God fearing woman with a lot of money, blonde hair, purchased boobs, an incredible figure and 3 great kids stumble with her insecurity.  What does that prove? That none of that works!!! You can be feeling great about yourself and then whoops, there is a woman in front of you with brown hair, real boobs, 4 kids and more money unintentionally making you feel lesser.  It's all in your head, not your bank account, job, workout routine or mammaries. If it is there, it needs to be relocated to a safer venue.  That is not where your confidence belongs. 

Chapter 1 was tackled today. This is my second go at trying to make progress. I have to do it for my girls.  I can't accidentally pass down my issues to them.  They need to know right from the start how to handle this.  How can I help them when most of my brain is thinking the same thing? Once Mommy gets a grip on the tools, I can pass them on so they can have them in their belt. This book is going to stay next to my bed for a very long time.  I will re-visit it as many times as necessary to regain my security and keep putting it back where it belongs.