Monday, December 27, 2010
We don't even have anything to problem solve or sort through. Mainly because there is too much to think about. Seems more of a waste of time to think about ALL of the scenarios when we don't have any offers. I guess one day when we get bored that would be something to do. So far, I am not bored enough.
At this moment there are many irons in the fire. Each one in a different phase. A job in Brentwood, TN should be the first to make an offer. Carter has been through the whole process and there were quite a few remarks made that more than hinted that an offer would be made. Too bad it was around these holidays or the process could have moved faster. Speaking of that....
A little encouragement to others that finds themselves job seeking at this time of year - The last 3 job offers Carter has received have come at this time of year. Two in 2007 and one last year at this time. This is NOT a "bad time" of year to be looking for work. Companies are still recruiting so keep plugging. Other job seekers may be taking a break on submitting their resumes because they are busy now or they subscribe to the thinking that it is a "bad time". You could be getting a head start.
The position that is the next furthest along is in Lynchburg, VA. I attended college there for 2 semesters and when I left, I REALLY, REALLY made some remarks that would lead you to believe that I would never move there. This is where God decided to show his humor. He knows I will go where He leads. It could be worse. Carter has had 4 phone interviews and they have been tough. This company is notorious for taking their sweet time in selecting candidates. That is very noble - but we don't have time. We may have no choice. This is where God comes in - He can move mountains if he wants to.
Two more potential jobs are in the beginning stages. One phone call we just received today. An outside recruiter for a company in Roanoke, VA saw his resume and wants to submit it for consideration. The second job is with Macy's in Portland, TN (North of Nashville). To those of you that remember when we moved to Atlanta in 2008, we were initially moving to Portland, TN to work for Macy's. At the time Macy's relocation and medical benefits paled in comparison to Newell Rubbermaid (Atlanta) so we turned down the offer and moved to Georgia. Last week there was a front page article (featuring my neighbor Nic) announcing that Macy's will be building an enormous distribution center in Martinsburg, WV to be finished in 2012. In the conversation that Carter had with the Macy's HR contact, she asked if he would be willing to move to TN temporarily and then work in the Martinsburg facility when it was completed. That would be interesting. That is the only scenario that mind my keeps trying to work out. I get as far as saying "how would we do that?" Then I realize that is too much to think about unless it is necessary. I would also need A LOT more information to even begin to think of just 3 possibilities.
I am a planner, not necessarily by nature but by nurture. It feels better to plan and be in control. If you weigh everything and think it through enough then you can make a good decision. Or at least one that looks like a good decision.
And that is where we are. Agonizing more each day when we don't have an offer. Moderately distracted by the new possibilities that keep rolling in. I have to keep up the hope that if we have this many "bites" we will catch a fish eventually. This river is not stocked so I cannot even begin to guess what fish we will catch.
Usually I bring it all back to the title of my post at the end. The only way to explain this one is to tell the story I only remember half of. There was someone (a neighbor, family member or friend) my parents knew and one time they said "If you should like to know... I am sick". Apparently no one was asking but it was important to that person that everyone know. LOL
***Totally forgot to update about the interview Carter had in Ohio with Eddie Bauer. They put a freeze on hiring for that position. They could lift it but we are not holding our breath.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
So when Natalie got home from Pre-K yesterday Carter sat her on his leg and started talking. He explained that he lost his job and that is why he is not going to work. He told her not to worry about anything but that is why he was here a lot right now. Preparing her for the fact that eventually he will go back to work and not be here like this was also a part of it. Then Natalie looked at him and said. . .
"I want to tell you something... Team Umizoomi is in my room. They are tiny super heroes."
To which I responded "Well can they help Daddy get a new job?"
Natalie says "Noooo (like that was a silly question) they only help kids. They help with shapes and Bot has a TV in his tummy"
And CUT! That's a wrap people. It went right over her head but at least she knows!
Cara's turn, Carter talked to her alone. I was just in the other room so I could hear. She was quiet and listened. When he asked if she had questions or if something was bothering her she told a story about how a boy at school said that he did not love her.
Enter stage left - lesson on what "love" is (the 6 year old version).
I tried to bring it back around and ask her how she feels about Daddy not working. She gives me a HUGE smile and said "I like it, he comes and eats lunch with me at school"
And fade to black. These children are going to be MORE upset that he has to go back to work!!!
Me too frankly. It has been nice having him here. We have only had 2 "disagreements" in these 2 weeks. This time, for me, is being used to prove to myself that we can handle this. We don't have to give in to the anxiety and other crazy emotions that are swirling. Keep those feelings "real", don't distort them into something they are not. That is hard but I am excited to face this challenge.
We are watching a lot more TV, going grocery shopping together and eating dinner at 5:00 PM. I am pretty sure this is what retirement is like!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Natalie struggled at the beginning of the week (last week). I walked in to her Pre-K classroom to find her not in a chair. She was sitting on the floor and refused to leave. Her sweet teachers said "Natalie would not sit in the chair. She has not really been herself today". And with good reason. Regardless of the positive of having Daddy here more, regardless of us not fighting, she knew something was wrong. We did not talk to the girls about this. I don't know that they would really understand. They know Daddy is not going to work. Maybe we need to explain it to them, I don't know. There are sometimes when I think it's better not to worry them. But then again, they don't know what this means so would it worry them? I was not looking to have a revelation while typing so give me a minute on that one.
Today was relaxed and we spent most of the morning at Target. It kept our minds off of the fact that it was Monday and that we could get a phone call or an email. We did not get either. Carter's suit is ready and his resume printed for one of the calls we are waiting for. He had a positive phone interview and they asked for a face to face.
Today, I discovered that Natalie can now play games on the computer all on her own. She needs a smaller mouse though. That thing is huge in her tiny hand.
We have so far survived a stomach virus that could have spread from Cara to all of us. That child is amazing. She knew something was wrong on Wednesday night and kept telling us her stomach hurt. Her final plea to her Dad had him taking her to the bathroom. Nothing on the floor, straight where it is supposed to go. She is so grown up even when she is sick. It seemed to come to a screeching halt after the one episode but that night she woke me up several times. Thank goodness she had no school the next day. I made her stay home on Friday despite her pleas to go to school and proclaiming that she was all better.
Tonight, I am going to sleep. Praying that the sweet dreams that my Mom always wishes me when I talk to her at night will be there when I close my eyes.
Tomorrow, I will need patience and peace of mind. I need to concentrate on taking advantage of the time that we have together. It's so hard to stay calm when you are frustrated. I know that this is just the tip of the potential frustration. If tomorrow I have to do nothing and we hear nothing, I hope I do it well.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
In no way do I want to offend any of my teacher friends. I think that article was a bit offensive to parents. This is just for fun. I feel like the relationship between my girls teachers and I is a partnership. I am only just beginning in this area of life.
This article was poorly put together and put legitimate issues in with crap. But here are some things I think (and I am sure others think)...
#1 - I know you have 25+ kids in your care. But only one of them is mine, it's my job to concentrate on that one.
#2 - I send you notes and gifts because I want you to know I appreciate you and acknowledge your work. A thank you note would be nice but even if you just mention it later that let's me know you understand what I am doing.
#3 - Level-headed, intellectual conversation used to be a characteristic of mine. Now I have kids and I am a ball of mush, so don't assume I am a dork because I stumble in the 2 seconds I see you at the meeting.
#4 - I may have a job so the snow days and random holidays/days off cause turmoil for me, not fun.
#5 - If my kid burps, curses, jumps on chairs or cries uncontrollably when food is dropped on the floor. Don't assume I beat them at home or I lack manners. If you think this for more than 2 seconds, you (a) have no kids (b) have only one perfect kid or (c) I have no idea what is wrong with you. This may be the case with some kids but remember - this is from a "normal" mom.
#6 - I wish I could be there all day to make sure that they are nice to other kids and other kids are nice to them.
#7 - I know I should not be a freak and follow the bus to school but seriously how am I supposed to know he/she made it there?!?! I will do it until I feel better about it.
#8 - You can train me on how to be a parent in your class BUT BE CONSISTENT. Don't tell me I can do something one day and the next day act like I am breaking a rule. I pay attention. I too want to be "well-behaved".
Feel free to add your own.....
Monday, May 17, 2010
According to you
I can’t do anything right.
According to you
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
She then moves on to list the positive things another man has told her she is:
But according to him
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
everything he ever wanted.
When I listened to this song the first few times I was trying to get the lyrics down so I could sing it in the car properly. Then it started hitting me. . . change that lower case 'h' in the word "him" to an uppercase and she has it completely right. "Him", the guy who gets the uppercase H regardless of his position in the sentence is God.
As I said before, if you have been listening to those radio stations at all lately you have probably heard this song. If you have been within ear shot of me lately, you know that I have been reading a Beth Moore book "So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us". I picked this book up (OK really my sister Angie picked it up and then my Mom bought me one the moment I said I wanted to read it) after sitting in bed one night feeling like a complete failure.
On my bed, sitting up, in the dark, eyes closed, tears of exhaustion. I got smacked in the face with my problem. This was MY problem. I was expecting everything else in my life, if well orchestrated by me to be successful, to scream back to me "You are awesome!". My husband should be taking notes and following the rules that I set up so that his actions would look me in the face and exclaim "You are right. You are brilliant!" Somehow, no matter how hard I tried to make myself and others do everything the right way, it did not work. I like Dr. Phil's little saying "So how's that working for you?" Not good Dr. Phil, not good at all.
My husband did such a fantastic job of being my Knight in Shining Armor, my Prince on a White Horse for quite a few years. No person can keep that up. No man can do that for you. My husband was not meant to be my security.
When I listen to those lyrics now, the negative qualities, I don't just hear them coming from one man - or a woman- or several men - or even a tangible man at all. They come from everywhere. Sometimes they come from inside us. If they came from the outside, then we take them on and repeat them in our heads. The key is that the one that begins with a capital letter every time He is mentioned - is screaming those good lines at us all the time.
You are beautiful, incredible, everything He ever wanted. He can't get you out of His head. He wants us to make Him proud. Doing what He wants us to do. That is different for each of us. God wants you to come to him with every major and minor detail. He won't get annoyed. He made you with your soft heart and your mind that can't hold on where Massachusetts is on a map but you can sense a friends uneasy soul. He made you funny or caring or creative. You cry at every sappy movie. Maybe you were made with a quick mind and tongue. You have your role and you need to use it for Him to be proud of. Any other security will fail you. He's into you for everything you are "not" according to them.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
As I age, I see a lot of danger in judgement, or opinions or what ever you call them. We all do it. I don't think my prefix/disclaimer to my opinion is a cop out. I REALLY believe it. I know what I would like to think I would do when faced with a situation. Most of the time I am taking mental notes. Using my time on this spectator side to remember how it looks and sounds from the outside while noting what works and what does not.
|“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho|
Let's take adultery for example. As much fun as I poke at Tiger Woods (Yes Tiger is still more fun than Jesse James even though he is the latest), I have no feeling about what his wife should do. I have never been through something like that. This is what I hope - if that life shattering event were to occur in my life, I want people around me that HAVE gone through it. How will I ever receive real counsel and really helpful stories if I push those people away by barking my ignorant opinion during their rough time? Even if I bark privately, it will be heard.
Addiction - this area is very specialized. These things get a hold of these wonderful people and turn them into something we don't recognize. Who am I to judge them as evil? What if it is your child? Does that speak to your parenting? Sometimes it may, but there are a lot of times it does not. We can come from perfect families with perfect intentions and still fall hard. Addiction Counselors will be there to help with the technical side of it. But no one can hold your hand better than another mom or wife that has had to search a room to keep them on the recovery track.
Raising children is another area that can be full of opinions. Seriously every kid is different. Why don't people understand that? If I had stopped at 1 child I would have considered myself the best parent ever! I am so glad that I have the reality that is #2. There are millions of battles out there and you have to choose your most important.
Battles I choose:
Saying negative words like "hate", "stupid" and "dumb".
Sleeping in their own bed consistently, not in mine.
Saying please and thank you
Car seat safety
Battles I do not choose:
Everyone eating the same thing for dinner
Limited Television viewing
Strict time lines on potty training
Accelerated Academic Performance
Now I know that there are reasons why parents don't choose the things I have. Everyone has their motivation. I especially understand the co-sleeping because frankly that would have been easier. I felt strongly about that bed being for just Carter and I so I stuck with it to make a routine out of sleeping in their own beds/cribs.
In the same manner I know why they choose the one I have NOT. Some children are very effected by television. Some moms do not enjoy being a short order cook at dinner. I don't really either but I just don't have it in me to struggle over food. The other two - well if you read my last blog you understand why those are not a priority.
"For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you". Matthew 7:2
I want to offer others the same sympathy I would want. The same stares of love without turning my back with a smirk. The strength told hold my tongue and just listen rather than to advise in an area I know nothing about. When it happens, I want to feel supported, not judged.
My kids are notorious for being loud. Can't handle it? Don't invite me. I do keep a close ear on it but frankly I have volume issues myself. I know the whole "inside voice" thing. Until pre-school came around it was not as important for me to control it at all times. Children being loud when they are playing and having fun does not bother me. Kids need to have good times and don't need to be held to the same standards as adults.
Has anyone ever called me "quiet", "reserved", or "subdued"? Nope.
I have been complaining a lot lately about Natalie ignoring me. When Cara was Nat's age, and younger, she would almost immediately respond. We worked out a little "Marco Polo" kind of game when I needed to know where she was in the house. I would say "Cara say 'Mommy'? and would soon hear "Mommy" from some part of the house.
Natalie could care less. If I am out of the room and ask a question she will nod her head. How do I know that? I saw her do it from around the corner. Most of the time she will just sit there. Even if I am right in front of her I can ask several times and call her name... nothing. I have to touch her arm or block whatever she is entranced in a stare with. I know that boys can be like that. I think it is fine that Natalie is like that really. She is just different but it still throws me off. Until today...
I was walking through Wal-Mart talking to my Mom on the phone with Natalie in the cart. The past few days my mind has been anywhere but here. My mom asks what Natalie wants. I then realized that she has been saying my name repeatedly and I did not react. Just kept on talking and moving. I followed that up by saying "I just don't know where she gets the ignoring thing from".
Reading through some quotes on judgement I saw one that said “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”. That neat little tidbit is from Mr. Carl Jung. You may remember him from Psych 101 class. That could mean we may do the exact things that are annoying to us on the other side of the fence. It also could mean that we can learn about ourselves by how we chose our irritants. We do chose them ya know?! And that is just fine. They are what they are. You either have an apparent reason for it or you just don't know.
My husband is constantly asking me the "why" behind my opinions. Sometimes he gets a list of viable decision making material. Other times he gets "I don't know why, that is just the way it is supposed to be". At least most of the time I can bring myself to say "I don't know". I would rather that than to make up something or use an invalid point and cling to it. I don't like excuses to be used on me so I try my darnedest not to use them. If I find myself struggling to explain my position, most likely it is because I don't know. It is just the way I feel. Emotions cannot be explained. That is why they are generated in the "heart" and not the "head".
Either way, I usually win the fight because I think and talk faster :P
What I want to see reflected in my kids are not rigidly well behaved pint sized adults. I want it to be natural. I want them to be constantly learning. I want them to be polite and caring with others. I don't have goals for them to be perfect students, prom queen or soccer captain. Those things don't serve any purpose for me. I don't care where they go to college, just that they go and pursue a passion.
I am not a rigidly well behaved partially full-sized adult. I could never expect that from them.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Other words I struggle with are the words that end in "-iage" like Marriage and Carriage. I am constantly ending them in "aige". Being married and having children, having 3 miscarriages and being active in email groups/discussion boards. Not being confident about my spelling of those words became an obstacle. I used a lot of abbreviations and spell check and using other words. That is also what I do with the word diarrhea. Below is a list of substitutions I have used:
I am positive now that this cat is out of the bag, I will retain the proper spelling of the words. Mostly because you will know what I am covering up.
In my 20's I prided myself on my spelling. In fact I made a huge deal out of things being misspelled. I do feel strongly that all legal documents need to have correct spelling. Especially if it is someones name. In fact I feel strongly about names in general even now. It is a NAME. What could be more important than a persons name. It is their identity. OK I am done with that. I guess I still have a little bit in me because I headed toward saying. . . I don't feel the need to make a big deal out of it anymore. My theory on myself at that time was that I considered myself better than other people because I could spell. Did that make me a better employee, wife or friend? No. In fact it made me annoying.
There was no way that made me smarter. The belief that it did made me condescending. Do I make the rules that another person should be measured by? Absolutely not. Belittling people for their inability to perform in an area you feel you succeed in is ignorant. Observe that you have weaknesses, be self-aware first.
Romans 12:3, “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”
I can trace back the reason I act like that to my upbringing. You HAD to be right. If you were right then no one could tell you that you were wrong. Being wrong was the worst thing you could be. My Dad was always right. But he wasn't and I believed what he said though. Now I look back and think "wow he made that up!". He strived to be correct no matter what the cost - even if it meant spontaneously inventing his supporting information. Another reason I pushed to do the right thing was so I would not get in trouble or get yelled at. That RARELY paid off! But I did it for the wrong person. I did it for my Dad and not for God. My Dad was supposed to be my example of God.
I've learned not fall into the easy trap of measuring yourself against others. Using the "well at least I don't.." argument is wrong. As the verse above says, look at yourself closely first and measure yourself against what God has set as the goal.
‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?
You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of God that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’
- Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles
Thanks to not changing the channel when the West Coast Playhouse Disney programming was over, I am watching "Akeelah and the Bee". That quote is part of this movie.
It took me by surprise. I have known for the past few days that I have been struggling with insecurities. There are places and things that I can go/do or talk about that are always sure to bring those feelings out. If I were to name them, that would do more harm than good.
It's not the fault of those places or things. It is a tool that is used to keep the darkness up and the light down. Although, I would love to blame them, taking the heat off of me. I am not making excuses so I don't want it to look that way. I think I am about to open up a can of worms and allow them to be seen, that does not feel fantastic. Take a deep breath and hope that this all comes out correctly.
Show of hands . . . who weighs more now than they did in High School? Before marriage? Before kids? Who looks at those pictures from those previous phases and thinks "I can't believe I thought I was fat then?!" Ponder that for a second. For me, that says to look at the pictures of me now and enjoy them. Even if I never lose weight, I am getting older. There will be something that I will miss about the way I look now. Photos are a great way to look at yourself and fix what you don't like. Seeing the way an article of clothing really fits vs. what you think looks good. Hair, I've caught myself in photos in terrible need of a hair cut.
Unfortunately - photos are not X-rays. What we should be focusing on, is the inside. Believe me, when you do, it shows on the outside. I know this because I wear my struggles on my face. I also know this because God says so.
Proverbs 31:30 - "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
That does not mean that I cannot be charming or beautiful. Well I don't know about charming. Charming is not a word I want to describe me. I feel that charm is temporary and can be turned on. When people describe me as talkative or funny - I can't turn those off. There have been times I have tried. In church, around my husbands boss, co-workers or his friends, neighbors family - it ALWAYS slips out. Someone always sets me up for a good one liner and WHAM! It comes out. Timing is everything in comedy so my mouth has no time for my brain to pause for appropriateness. If it is funny or even a bit of information that needs to be said it will be said.
The Bible tells us to look closer at our hearts and actions rather than what can be externally viewed with just the eyes. OK so I may have a bigger problem on my hands than being over weight! LOL
I need to consider the source by which I am measured. Who tells me to strive to be "good" and do good for others and who tells me that I need a tummy tuck? Ok more than a tummy tuck but I did not want that sentence to be too long.
James 1:23 - "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror."
I don't want to judge myself by my own reflection. What I think I do is not worth much if it is not what I really do. Just like those old photos, I did not see what most people saw back then. I only saw what a few people and my perception of society said I was. Now I should look at photos and say "Yep I had about 4 chins in that picture because I was laughing so hard"