Can't Spell the Runny Poop Word and Other Insecurities: Part 1

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of God that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’

- Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles

Thanks to not changing the channel when the West Coast Playhouse Disney programming was over, I am watching "Akeelah and the Bee". That quote is part of this movie.

It took me by surprise. I have known for the past few days that I have been struggling with insecurities. There are places and things that I can go/do or talk about that are always sure to bring those feelings out. If I were to name them, that would do more harm than good.

It's not the fault of those places or things. It is a tool that is used to keep the darkness up and the light down. Although, I would love to blame them, taking the heat off of me. I am not making excuses so I don't want it to look that way. I think I am about to open up a can of worms and allow them to be seen, that does not feel fantastic. Take a deep breath and hope that this all comes out correctly.

Show of hands . . . who weighs more now than they did in High School? Before marriage? Before kids? Who looks at those pictures from those previous phases and thinks "I can't believe I thought I was fat then?!" Ponder that for a second. For me, that says to look at the pictures of me now and enjoy them. Even if I never lose weight, I am getting older. There will be something that I will miss about the way I look now. Photos are a great way to look at yourself and fix what you don't like. Seeing the way an article of clothing really fits vs. what you think looks good. Hair, I've caught myself in photos in terrible need of a hair cut.

Unfortunately - photos are not X-rays. What we should be focusing on, is the inside. Believe me, when you do, it shows on the outside. I know this because I wear my struggles on my face. I also know this because God says so.

Proverbs 31:30 - "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

That does not mean that I cannot be charming or beautiful. Well I don't know about charming. Charming is not a word I want to describe me. I feel that charm is temporary and can be turned on. When people describe me as talkative or funny - I can't turn those off. There have been times I have tried. In church, around my husbands boss, co-workers or his friends, neighbors family - it ALWAYS slips out. Someone always sets me up for a good one liner and WHAM! It comes out. Timing is everything in comedy so my mouth has no time for my brain to pause for appropriateness. If it is funny or even a bit of information that needs to be said it will be said.

The Bible tells us to look closer at our hearts and actions rather than what can be externally viewed with just the eyes. OK so I may have a bigger problem on my hands than being over weight! LOL

I need to consider the source by which I am measured. Who tells me to strive to be "good" and do good for others and who tells me that I need a tummy tuck? Ok more than a tummy tuck but I did not want that sentence to be too long.

James 1:23 - "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror."

I don't want to judge myself by my own reflection. What I think I do is not worth much if it is not what I really do. Just like those old photos, I did not see what most people saw back then. I only saw what a few people and my perception of society said I was. Now I should look at photos and say "Yep I had about 4 chins in that picture because I was laughing so hard"