Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Bless Her Heart

I do this thing with my opinions on people and their actions, similar to using "Bless her/his heart" before an insult. In case you don't know this trick, if you add that statement, it makes it all better and not mean at all. Like "Bless her heart, her teeth are so jacked up". Half feeling sorry for her. Half busting on her. Mine is a bit longer than 3 words. Most of the time it is something like "I can't say what I would do, but I hope I would...".

As I age, I see a lot of danger in judgement, or opinions or what ever you call them. We all do it. I don't think my prefix/disclaimer to my opinion is a cop out. I REALLY believe it. I know what I would like to think I would do when faced with a situation. Most of the time I am taking mental notes. Using my time on this spectator side to remember how it looks and sounds from the outside while noting what works and what does not.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path. - Paulo Coelho

When things are said like "That would never happen to my kid" or "My marriage is too strong for that to happen" those are your cues that the opposite is very likely to be true. Honestly I guess your chances are still about the same. My intention is to walk through trials with my head high and more people by my side because I don't look like a fool.

Let's take adultery for example. As much fun as I poke at Tiger Woods (Yes Tiger is still more fun than Jesse James even though he is the latest), I have no feeling about what his wife should do. I have never been through something like that. This is what I hope - if that life shattering event were to occur in my life, I want people around me that HAVE gone through it. How will I ever receive real counsel and really helpful stories if I push those people away by barking my ignorant opinion during their rough time? Even if I bark privately, it will be heard.

Addiction - this area is very specialized. These things get a hold of these wonderful people and turn them into something we don't recognize. Who am I to judge them as evil? What if it is your child? Does that speak to your parenting? Sometimes it may, but there are a lot of times it does not. We can come from perfect families with perfect intentions and still fall hard. Addiction Counselors will be there to help with the technical side of it. But no one can hold your hand better than another mom or wife that has had to search a room to keep them on the recovery track.

Raising children is another area that can be full of opinions. Seriously every kid is different. Why don't people understand that? If I had stopped at 1 child I would have considered myself the best parent ever! I am so glad that I have the reality that is #2. There are millions of battles out there and you have to choose your most important.

Battles I choose:
Saying negative words like "hate", "stupid" and "dumb".
Sleeping in their own bed consistently, not in mine.
Saying please and thank you
Car seat safety

Battles I do not choose:
Everyone eating the same thing for dinner
Limited Television viewing
Strict time lines on potty training
Accelerated Academic Performance

Now I know that there are reasons why parents don't choose the things I have. Everyone has their motivation. I especially understand the co-sleeping because frankly that would have been easier. I felt strongly about that bed being for just Carter and I so I stuck with it to make a routine out of sleeping in their own beds/cribs.
In the same manner I know why they choose the one I have NOT. Some children are very effected by television. Some moms do not enjoy being a short order cook at dinner. I don't really either but I just don't have it in me to struggle over food. The other two - well if you read my last blog you understand why those are not a priority.

"For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you". Matthew 7:2

I want to offer others the same sympathy I would want. The same stares of love without turning my back with a smirk. The strength told hold my tongue and just listen rather than to advise in an area I know nothing about. When it happens, I want to feel supported, not judged.


  1. Well bless your heart! :) lol

    I agree.. and have been working very hard to do exactly what you're talking about. Some days is better than others, especially when it's something I feel very strongly about.

  2. I agree Kim. There are things I am very passionate about. The stuff about kids, definitely! Because sometimes I feel like since I have them I have grounds for my opinions! I usually take it too far and too long and that is where I stumble. Car seats - I can be a true freak about that but I think safety is a black and white issue. But I try not to be a freak!

  3. I love this! I think our family is finding freedom and this is one area we were never comfy with. Here's to GRACE for each other. Especially as women. We are each others worst enemy. We need to lift each other up instead of throwing stones while living in glass houses. i am working through this too!

  4. beautifully said, and somewhat convicting!
    Hugs to you sweets!

  5. Well, take it from one who is still learning about being a grace-giver rather than a judgment-giver, it is a daily process to ask God to show me people through HIS eyes instead of mine. I'm proud of you for seeking to be grace-giving and nonjudgmental! We do want that for ourselves so we need to extend it to others.

    And Angie's right, women need to be supportive of one another instead of ripping into each other. We are hard on each other and that needs to stop. I'm on board with that!

    Love you, girl.

  6. Ok, lets try this again. Now what I said before I got blocked off,

    Lets hope you never do, but ifyou have to deal with Adultery in your life, I have bene though it, and am still dealing with the aftershocks. Although I dont mind if you bark about it to me, LOL. But if you ever have that issue and you need to talk, you know where I am.

    In a 3rd world country, 3000 miles/3 plane rides away, up the mountain with no cell phone signal, no mail service, no tv, although we now do have satelite tv, in Honduras.

    Oh wait, thats not what I meant to say. What I meant to say was, I am here for you. And I am available during any honduran school day between the hurs of 6:30am and 12 noon, my time. You'd have to talk to my mom to find out the time here, since the time difference changes based on if its daylights savings time or not.

    As for kids, I know you have your big sisters, but you can also talk to me. Im sure I probably could give you some help if yo are having a problem, as I am pretty sure that I may ave goe through it already. Or if not, then maybe I can email Michelle Duggar, and get her to help, as she has a few more kids than me. LOL.

    I love ya, and I love this post.