Tuesday, November 9, 2010

If You Just Don't Say It . . .

Have you ever been in a rough patch with bad things all around and done your best not to say "Could it get worse?!" or "What's next?!"?  Or maybe you said it and thought "Dang I just asked for it!". Well I am here to tell you that NOT saying it DOES NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!

After Dad's accident I never said that. We were hit from all sides almost everyday with new problems. We did not have time to say it.  Mom found a great rehab place for him to go after Shock Trauma released him, 2 days after he was admitted there they called her and said "He is being released tomorrow". Ummm WHAT?  Speechless. At that time he was impulsive (nice word for unprovoked anger and inappropriate reactions) and hallucinating.  There was no way any of us could bring him home. For goodness sake they had him in a locked belt to keep him tied to the bed or wheelchair he was in. He could not go home by himself.  Not one bit of communication happened between us and the staff there.  This was the first time we had contact with his social worker.  The blow by blow is agonizingly long (even though it was only 2 weeks on the calendar) so I won't do it all. 

Honestly that is not even what this blog is about. 

We hit walls everywhere we turned. As I mentioned in my previous blog, when we reached out in desperation we were overwhelmed with people helping us problem solve and find solutions.  Phone conversations between my mom, my sisters and me were filled with a lot of exhaling, sighing and pauses when we just could not breathe.  
Here is a mini lesson in this blog - don't be an ass (pardon my language) all of your life.  You will need those people that you hurt the most. Be grateful, love correctly, give and it will be returned. If you are toxic - your family may just put you in a red hazmat bag an leave you on the corner.  Good lord that would have been easier but that is not what the good Lord wants from us.

Let's go back and remember - We did not say "What else could go wrong?".  It hit anyway.  Superstitions about God and life do not work. So say it or don't say it - it has no bearing.

Dad's full recovery was obvious last week as the evaluations for PT, OT and ST resulted in an "all clear".  He backed out of having 24 hour care and just has day time help.  I'm sure he will be able to stop it all together soon.

On Friday everything was normal. Carter had spent a late night at work Thursday. I dropped the girls off at school and headed home to clean the kitchen floor (yes Nana was coming. hahaa). On my way back to the house, Carter calls me and tells me he is coming home. His job was letting him go, and I don't mean just for the day.

For the sake of anonymity we will call his now former place of work "Paper Clips".  That is just in case I say something bad in the next few paragraphs. I would not want to obviously trash a place.

Immediately I called my mom. That pillar of strength named Sandra has been rescuing everyone in the family for quite a few years solid. I mean no breaks, no rest for the weary.  Not that she does not also have her own issues that need rescuing!  She needed to know what she was driving into but God knew when she planned to have a "Nana sleepover" earlier in the week, that we needed her.

I thought we had time to consider what we were doing. They gave him a choice between adhering to a 30-day Performance Plan or resigning and receiving a severance package.  After a lot of sifting through conversation, when I sent him back for a 2 o'clock meeting, it was clear that there was nothing left there for him.  No tears over that. Paper Clips had made promises and just a few months into employment it was clear that one set of people there wanted him, but the ones charged with using him did not.  That was the theme of the last year "Carter is under-utilized".  Carter clearly asked them at the meeting, if he met all of the criteria laid out in the plan, what would they do with him after. Clear answer "We don't know."  Take the resignation. At least that gives us more time than sticking around a place where you honestly don't have a job.

So far, each day has been different.  There is a focus on doing what is right now. A focus on everything - being open to all opportunities.  I don't like being in limbo but there is this strange peace that I have. It leaves me at times but not for long.  Carter is one of the most motivated people I know. He will not sit and let this hold him down. Again, he reached out and has gotten several phone calls and emails that bring back his confidence and his drive. We shall overcome!  God has prepared me for not being in control. I am ready to stay still and listen.  I may panic but that is not the overall theme of this journey.  At times I can joke (Just like during the thick of things with Dad. My humor returned.) and at times I can smile.  But all it takes to make me cry is a stranger smiling at me - for no reason. They may not know the reason but I do.

God is everywhere if you pay attention.  He was at Chick Fil A this morning reminding me that I have taken my time of silence on this and now it is time to share.  That man smiled at me and showed me that even though I have no idea what expression is on my face right now, there was a smile out there.  Take the chance when you feel led to do something like that.

I am sharing with the possibility of seeming weak, but I want everyone to see God working here.  We all have a testimony. What good does it do sharing our top of we can't share the bottom? You can look at me and know that if it ever happens to you - it is going to be just fine. I have to believe that there is something greater than me going through a sucky time happening here. I am human, I can't promise that I will always feel positive or hopeful.  I will however, still be standing.

My new mantra is "Open Doors, Close Doors". Every time I start to think too much I say it. In my head of course. I don't want to look like a complete nut walking around talking to myself. HA!

To close - I am calling on my prayer warriors again.  I need your support and for you to take my cares to God with me. You are being recruited because of the enormously great job you did with my Dad.  Please know that I will always do the same for you. I am not a good "receiver", I am much better at giving.  God is teaching me to lean, so here we go.... again.


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  2. Daniell, It is such a blessing to see that you are puttng your trust in God. It's not always easy, but after all He is in control. We will pray with you about the job issue and for continued strength for all of you. Love ya a bunch. By the way this is Nana Murrell (Jen set this up for me).

  3. sniff, sniff! Laugh, laugh (Red hazmat bag!!!) Love you bunches! I have the best family! Love and prayers to you and Carter! Thanks for sharing.Love you to the moon and back!

  4. "What good does it do sharing our top of we can't share the bottom?" I LOVE THIS!! It is so true. Too often we think we have to have a smile plastered on our faces, saying all is well! Bunk! Christians live in this crappy, fallen world, too, and life isn't always filled with wines and roses. (Well, the wine wouldn't be so bad.) I think we serve God better when we let people see our issues and how we deal with them with HIS help. That's what makes us different. Not that we're going through tough times, but HOW we go through them.

    I am praying that God will lead Carter to THE job for him. One that will use his strengths and talents and will help him grow. I am also praying that through this you and Carter will grow as a couple and individually and will come out the other side screaming with delight that you survived.

    Love you, D!!

  5. I just read this and tried to read to Bobby (which was hard because I kept crying) this really touched my heart! More because of your faith! I know that things will work out for you because its saids that "We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28 It has been a long time since I was in church and reading this really hits home making it even more apparant what is missing in my life, I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and that if God hears my prayer it would be to send what you and your family needs I know that you have the support and prayer from a lot especially your great Mom and Grandma, they will pray and be there to guide you or what ever you need. I was sleeping the other day and was awaken by Moms voice she was asking me to get up she needed me to do something, it seemed I set straight up in the bed and expected to be at home in my room and wanting to see my mom, I couldn't do anything for awhile but cry, when I realized it must have been a dream I don't remember dreaming about her but I heard her voice as plain as if someone was sitting here talking to me! Oh well I didn't mean to get into all this I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading this and if there is anyway we can help please let us know We love you all

  6. Betsy - thank you and I know God will hear your prayers! I heard a voice a few months ago right after a dream also. I have inherited the dreaming from the White side of the family! I had no idea why the voice said that but it was a reassurance that we you have to do what you have to do. I also had a hurricane/storm dream the week before this happened and another dream about being in the car and it being out of control. In each of the dreams everything quieted down and there was a part in the dream where we arrived at a point when we knew everything would be OK. Most of my "out of control" dreams do not end at all, they have no resolution. I appreciate your guidance and comfort!

  7. Angie - glad you liked the hazmat bag thing. That could not go without saying it.
    Aunt Murrell I really appreciate your prayers! There is a liquor distributor in Orlando with a position open. That would be a great place to get discounts from! LOL
    Terry - We are being very careful to take advantage of this time working as a team. God is showing me so much about Carter that I had forgotten. We sort of did this before, when we moved to Atlanta and we screwed that up big time. We learned a lot and have retained those lessons. I am praying all of those things too. I need to remember this during "small" issues and not just use it for big ones. Thank you most of all for your prayers and support.