Maybe I watch too much TV. Maybe I need some fast acting anti-anxiety patch to apply, but there are definitely times when I get this feeling. A feeling that there is something out there, something big, that I don't know. Of course there is a lot out there that I don't know (don't tell Cara and Natalie though). I mean something like a major dose of dishonesty, a back stabbing moment from someone you trusted, or a major ground shaking revelation. Should we know? Could there be something out there that is just a smidge past the plain nose on our face that we don't see?
We all curse poor Eve every time her descendant Aunt Flo makes an appearance. Even more cursing begins when the oxytocin (or pitocin for those of us that need a nudge) starts flowing and the pain of bringing another life into the world hits us ladies. It is, in many minds, her fault that this world is not perfect and painless. She got the wrap but I guarantee if she had not done it, someone else would have. She was just the first contestant on "Don't Eat From That Tree". A lot is debated about this event: Was Adam there with her the whole time? Was it an Apple or a Fig? Where was that dang tree? Why did she do it? One thing we know - her wants over took her obedience. Who wouldn't want to know EVERYTHING!?!? Or are we better off not knowing?
Riding home from work in the car one day I was listening to Dr. Laura. She is known for her very conservative opinions and advice. What she said that day shocked me. She told someone NOT to tell their spouse about an affair. Her * (asterisk) on that comment was, if it was a one time thing, and not going to happen again and you did not get caught, don't tell. Telling would be to relieve the guilt of the offending partner and serve no purpose to the victimized spouse. So if you learned your lesson, kick some kitty litter over it, jump out of the litter box and keep going (<---my metaphor, not hers).
I started thinking... I would want to know! That would KILL me if there was someone else out there that knew, even if it was just the "other woman". I would die if others close to me knew. I should know something like this. Or did Dr. Laura have a point? Do we need to know EVERYTHING?
New Years Day 2003 I woke up in terrible pain. That aforementioned descendant of Eve had arrived and in different fashion. Carter I had been trying to get pregnant for a year to no avail. The days leading up to the new year I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms. One was definitely a sign for me because it had been one for my sister. On New Years Eve I took a pregnancy test... negative. I still did not drink that night with my dinner at Outback, planning to retest in the morning. The next morning I could barely stand. I called off our plans for dinner with my family. I called out of work the next day. I went to my regular doctor, they had no explanation. Life went on and I did not know what to think of it.
You see, I went through a "phase" early in 2003 where I cried every morning in the shower. Finally after going through this for a few weeks, I asked for help. I started taking Prozac and my irregular cycles became miraculously regular for 3 months. I thought prozac was a magical gynecological healer. Again, life went on and I did not know what to think of it. . . . . until after I had Cara.
A little over a year later on February 9, 2004 I finally got my two pink lines. First positive test I had ever seen. After she was born in October I suffered from what started as Baby Blues and turned into full on depression complete with "I'm not taking medicine I don't want to feel better" RED FLAG!!! One thing in my life was constant, my cycle, for 3 months, like clock work. 2/9/2004 was when I got my first two pink lines but it was not my first pregnancy.
Would it have been better for me to have confirmation on that one test I took that New Year's Eve? How would I have felt knowing what I had just lost? How freaking nuts would I have been not getting pregnant again until a year later?!?!? I can answer that one! I would have been a complete lunatic! Each month! For an entire YEAR! In between Cara and Natalie I did suffer two confirmed miscarriages. The 2nd one they offered testing to see if there was an explanation. The results were - no explanation. Then my OB looked at Carter and I and said "Do you want to know if it was a boy or a girl?" Before I could get out the sound the letter N makes, Carter said Yes and the Dr. answered with "It was a girl". Did I need to know that? Doesn't matter because I did know and there it was, information that hurt too badly to process.
I truly believe there is some information that we are spared for very good reasons. With technology, we are able to go out there and get a lot of it, are we meant to know? On Facebook, excessive sharing comes to mind. Did I need to know that person was at PetSmart?
In the Beth Moore book I read, she shared a story about a young lady that had finally ended an engagement that she felt was bad. She had suspicions that he had been seeing someone else or at least being inappropriate with another woman. So she used her knowledge and busted into his email. She found what she was looking for. Did that feel any better? To know specifically what was going on? She could have spared herself the self-worth damage and just trusted her instincts and her God that she did the right thing.
Would we really like to know what is said about us behind closed doors? Things possibly said in anger and frustrations. Things that they did not mean to say but it came out anyway? Untruths that could kill our self-esteem that are not intended to make us a better person? We know that we can be frustrated with someone and go from mad to over it in a matter of hours. Can we just accept that they got over it?
There has to be a balance between being a sitting duck and digging beyond the knowledge we were meant to have. It is a struggle for me when I get these feelings. I still want to know but I know that when it is time for me to know, I will. And the time will be right and I will be able to handle it. I'm not saying there is anything to know. At times there does seem to be a sixth sense but it is not always correct. I would feel like a fool if there was something going on right under my nose and I did not see it. Could I be spared of that foolish feeling if it was not something I absolutely had to know? Of course we CAN handle the truth, but should we?