My head has been tossing around grief and trying to find a place to put it. I'm pretty sure, I've never had so much to cry and scream about happen all at once. For me, for family, for close friends, an entire community.
And where am I?
Plugged into a wall
Head hooked up
Hair jacked up
Begging my brain to malfunction.
I don't like to say things like this because they feel like "assumptions" to me sometimes.
This one I know is absolutely true. God has used this to take me down. And He kept me safe.
Leading horses to water, making them drink. Domesticating a wild animal. Getting a husband to do the dishes the right way... (I think that's just me) similar challenge to getting me to unclench and let go. I could control everything. Like a ring leader, just bring it here and I'll fix it. No, we aren't going to just talk about it, here is your plan. This will work. I can fix this, I can fix that, I can fix you. Now repeat after me... What did we learn here and how will we avoid it happening again? Dang it I said BRING IT TO ME!
I must tell you that doing this to yourself can cause hemorrhoids, jaw pain, cellulite and constipation. Oh, ha and seizures. I cannot tell you how many times I've realized lately that my jaw was locked and I was holding my breath. Just driving down the road. Knowing that I was doing a 3-5 day EEG study at Vanderbilt soon was not helping me to release. When I decided to let that become reality in my head I opened up and chatted with God about it. I asked him for the things I wanted. And the thing I was most reluctant to ask for was complete healing. I realized as I prayed that I was actually cringing. What was that?!? We know He can do it. Why don't I want it?
Magically, I'm not kicking out any seizures. Completely off the medicine for 5 nights and 4 full days (sounds like a nice cruise huh?). nada. A few weeks ago I could skip my medicine two days just in the morning and experience trouble. My new (thanks to Carter for pushing me) neurologist wanted this study done. I don't think either of us felt like the medicine was correct and he wanted a team that looked at every second of my brain activity and see if we needed to change the diagnosis. One medication kept me so tired I was unable to stay awake. I love naps but I seriously shouldn't need to be asleep everyday from the time homework is finished until dinner is ready. (Thanks to Carter on that one too). And STILL be tired and go right to bed.
I had an EEG study done in December of 2012. Ahhhh that was a wonderful month. (Sarcasm font) Results came back that the two times I hit the button to indicate an event that my temporal lobe got off rhythm and slowed down. Then got back on track. Interesting thing, my old neuro office can't find that test now. They also said that I have only been there twice. Are ya getting the hint here about why I have a NEW Dr.?
Those results would have been nice to have to prove to my Dr. and this other expert Physician I have caring for here and his entire team that there were seizures before! I swear! I saw the squiggly lines on the screen. Then I spent time reading my "Slightly Bad Girls of the Bible".
Love these books by Liz Curtis Higgs. Seriously. And then I read them again and I see something different. What I got from Leah's story is probably not what other people get from it. I got what I needed. The part where you say "Yes, that's what I am going to repeat in my head!" Over and over!
So Leah... here is a little thing about her: click here
She kept trying and trying, after being rejected by her husband and mistreated by her Dad. She was not the one that was chosen. Or felt she had a choice. So she was given the gift of fertility. That was a big deal. Sons, even bigger. What more could a man want? 4 boys later Leah figured it out. Putting your needs and your desire for validation in the hands of man had failed her. How long she had worked to win his affection and attention. How hard! And still nothing. Son number 4 came with a desire to praise and thank the one that had been with her the whole time. God.
Not swearing this time that this baby, this dress, this many pounds, this job, this many activities, this successful hobby, this time it will make him love me!
"This time I will praise the Lord" Genesis 29:35
You see all this time while I'm trying to fix my brain problem:
Only work this many days
Don't forget your medicine
Let's increase the medicine
Add another medicine
Take more naps
Don't go anywhere
God has done the same thing he did for Leah. I didn't need to do a thing (ehh except learn this lesson). God sees my pain. God hears me. With no speaking, no problem solving, no analyzing. I just sighed when I thought about giving that up. Seriously. Just now. Big. Deep. Sigh. I mean it is my gift from God so I can use it but not to overthrow Him.
He chose well. Ok yeah no one needs to read me say that. Duh it's God. It's perfect! Ugh, partial complex seizures are perfect!
Zapped my communication. 20 seconds is FOREVER! When you don't know what someone is saying. And if you open your mouth, no telling what verbal mess will come out. Couldn't read during them either. No way around it.
Medication - ZAP there went my ability to speak without playing "fill in the blanks" with everyone. Zapped my memory. THAT was bad! I couldn't remember names, forgot where I put stuff. Excuse me but that's my thing. I remember everything! Then drown me in exhaustion. So that I wake up every evening to Carter wearing oven mitts.
How do you take me down? That's about how to do it.
Take away my ability to control everything like a well-planned nice circus (it is what it is).
Make me give it up to other people. Argh! And THEN make me watch Carter do my job! Force me to say no and stay home. Let other people handle the things I cannot do.
I do not need that old EEG. I do not need to produce an episode for this recording. Panic set in, believe me. There is just no need to prove anything to anyone. Whatever this is. God hears me. God sees me. My book says it well "Nothing escapes his gaze". For the first time in a looooooong time I'm not clenching with God.
I can keep my big mouth and malfunctioning brain closed.
God hears me. God sees me.
Even if no one else does. And I've got my phrase for whenever I have trouble with this.